Apr. 7th, 2013 09:17 pm
metaphortunate: (Default)
Mimi Smartypants just posted about buying makeup as an adult, like me, who missed the Makeup Boat that all the femme girls caught in their teens or early twenties when they were having unfortunate experiments with blue eyeshadow and I was, whatever the fuck I was doing back then, I think arguing online about Babylon 5:
I have used Bobbi Brown’s particular goop ever since the day I showed up at Nordstrom, selected the counter with the least fussy/intimidating packaging and salespeople, and said, “Look, I’m old and I need better stuff for smearing on my face and also I would like to start wearing actual makeup once in a while.” Because except for the lengthy goth phase in which it was all about theatrics and Wet n’ Wild black eyeliner pencils, I had never actually worn “regular” makeup. You know, “I just want to look a bit less blotchy and a bit more professional” makeup.
Which is funny to me because I too had a Bobbi Brown Help Me I Don't Know Shit experience, only mine didn't turn out so well. I think it was Bobbi Brown. It may have been Laura Mercier. I'm pretty sure it was a woman's name. Anyway, Christ knows how I had time to wander by a makeup counter, I think it was the weekend I organized myself a field trip to the mall to replace my leather jacket which I had finally given up on pretending was ever going to zip again over my post-baby ass. So I had a free half hour, and - feeling massively, massively guilty the whole time on not just going home half an hour early once I had gotten the jacket, which is pretty much how I feel any time I'm not working, cleaning, Officially Socializing, or with the baby, which let me tell you, as an introvert who likes to do random shit by myself, SUCKS - I went by the department store makeup counter. Bobbi Laura, or whatever. There was a guy working there, which I thought was kind of weird but cool, plus I am a sucker for guyliner, so I asked him.

"I have a new baby", I said. "I would like to buy something that would make it look like I've been getting some sleep." Dude sprang happily into action like a killer robot cheerleading squad, or something. "I have the PERFECT THING!" he enthused. This was apparently the product that was MADE for never getting any sleep. It came in two parts. There was a putty part and a dust part. You dab the putty under your eyes, he explained. Look up. Dab dab dab dab DAB DAB dab SMEAR dab dab dab. DAB DAB DAB. Then you dust the dust part over the putty. Dust dust dust. Then he pulled out a mirror. Voila! You look amazing!

Actually, when I looked in the mirror, I looked like someone had smeared purple putty under my eyes and then poured sawdust on it, which was basically what had happened. "Uh", I said, trying not to react visibly. I could feel myself getting pressured into spending a buttload of money on this terrible junk. "I…don't think this is exactly what I was looking for."

Dude huffed. I mean he literally cocked his hip and huffed at me. "Well, what WERE you looking for?" he said.

"Something that doesn't make me look like I have a disease," I didn't say. "Uh…not this," I said, and fled. This is exactly why I do not like asking salespeople anything beyond maybe where the restroom is and even then I'm kind of worried that they're going to try to intimidate me into buying it.

Luckily, a while later I was fortunate enough to get to spend the afternoon with [personal profile] merielle, who is a professional feminist in Texas, and whose makeup is amazing. I mean, I hope this doesn't sound like damning with faint praise, but she has absolutely the most professional eyeshadow I have ever seen. Like, you look at her, and her eyeshadow says, "You know how you stay up too late fucking around on the internet? I don't do that. That's why I'm well rested and totally able to deal with whatever shit you try to pull. Also my house is cleaner than yours and I got up early enough this morning to do my perfect makeup before I organized all my shit and got here, so don't even try it." And I don't even know if any of this is true! But I tell you, that is what her eyeshadow says. It is impressive.

Anyway, she told me what it is that I was looking for. It turns out that it comes in two grades. Fancy grade: Yves St. Laurent Touché Eclat. Drugstore grade: Maybelline Instant Age Rewind Eraser Dark Circles Concealer Treatment. I have tried them both and as far as I can tell they are the same thing and it is a pretty good thing.

Currently I am on the search for an eyeliner that will not migrate right back down to under my eyes and recreate the whole problem again, but that is a whole different issue.
metaphortunate: (Default)
Also, just one thing. And I am aware that it is an infinitesimally tiny thing in the grand scheme of things. A nanothing, if you will. Autocorrect, quit fucking with my made up words. Nanothing is totally a word if I say it is. Anyway. When I went home for the long weekend. Merely a blip in the overall Daft Punk BLIP BLIP BLIP BLEEP BLOOOP of the weekend: but all the good things and bad and hilariously bad that happened that weekend, I had to face with truly shitty hair.

See, I've been washing my hair with vinegar & baking soda, and not every day, and it's been working pretty well, I'm happy with it; but what with rushing and packing and so on, I didn't have time to wash it before I left, and I was feeling grungy when I got there, especially after the plane flight, so the next morning, I decided to wash my hair.

But my mom, as she says, she has a kitchen cause it came with the house, but that's as far as it goes. Every time we visit, first thing we do, we have to buy things like butter and milk and bread and eggs if we want to eat them while we're there. My mom lives on Health Nuggets from the Healthy Store. She keeps them in the freezer. So I didn't think I would be able to find vinegar or baking soda. In retrospect this was stupid. The Healthy Store also sells salads, and my mom puts vinegar on those. There would totally have been vinegar, although probably not baking soda. But I didn't think, and I didn't want to ask because, I know this is dumb, but one time at Mr. E's parents' house I asked for vinegar & baking soda because I wanted to wash my hair, and I got looks like I had requested to bring the whole salad into the shower with me in case I got hungry. I mean, they were totally nice about it, but it was clearly hilarious to everyone. I don't know. I got shy. I just didn't want to deal with it again. In retrospect I should have sucked it up and requested my shower salad, but I did not.

Instead I figured I'd just wash my hair with the shampoo that was lying around the shower. There was no conditioner, but, eh, fine, I figured. I'd just put a little body lotion on my hair afterwards and then use extra hair gunk. This totally works in an emergency, by the way. So I washed my hair - yay! no more grunge! - and got out of the shower, and put a little body lotion on it. And discovered that I had forgotten to pack my hair gunk.

Fine, I figured. I will borrow my mother's hair gunk. So I went over to her bathroom…and discovered that all she has is this "Lite Shine" bullshit. What even is this, Mom? We have the same mass of frizz! We both need control and curl goop! Mom you are only hurting yourself with this. I had no other option so I used the "Lite Shine" bullshit. As expected, my head played dandelion for the rest of the weekend. I thought I'd go by a drugstore and get some real hair gunk, but the thing is, I was only home for a few days, there were a million things to do…it never happened. So, again, it's not that big a deal, but every single thing that I did that weekend, stressful or difficult or fun with lots of pictures or socially challenging, that I might have gained some confidence from feeling like I looked my best at, I instead did in the full awareness that I was showing up wearing a steel wool wig.

And I know I looked terrible, because my mom winced whenever she saw my hair. "You know you inherited my hair, right?" Yup, I've owned mirrors for years! "And it looks terrible on both of us!" That's because of your terrible hair gunk purchasing choices! "Let's go get you a haircut and fix it!" No, because I just GOT a haircut that I like quite a lot, okay, my hair is just HAVING A MOMENT. "Mija, won't you at least use a little bit of my hair gunk?" I DID BUT IT DID NOT HELP BECAUSE YOUR HAIR GUNK IS MADE OUT OF CANOLA OIL AND ASS. LEAVE ME ALONE WITH MY TERRIBLE HAIR.


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