metaphortunate son (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
metaphortunate) wrote2013-04-07 09:17 pm
metaphortunate) wrote2013-04-07 09:17 pm
Entry tags:
makeup
Mimi Smartypants just posted about buying makeup as an adult, like me, who missed the Makeup Boat that all the femme girls caught in their teens or early twenties when they were having unfortunate experiments with blue eyeshadow and I was, whatever the fuck I was doing back then, I think arguing online about Babylon 5:
"I have a new baby", I said. "I would like to buy something that would make it look like I've been getting some sleep." Dude sprang happily into action like a killer robot cheerleading squad, or something. "I have the PERFECT THING!" he enthused. This was apparently the product that was MADE for never getting any sleep. It came in two parts. There was a putty part and a dust part. You dab the putty under your eyes, he explained. Look up. Dab dab dab dab DAB DAB dab SMEAR dab dab dab. DAB DAB DAB. Then you dust the dust part over the putty. Dust dust dust. Then he pulled out a mirror. Voila! You look amazing!
Actually, when I looked in the mirror, I looked like someone had smeared purple putty under my eyes and then poured sawdust on it, which was basically what had happened. "Uh", I said, trying not to react visibly. I could feel myself getting pressured into spending a buttload of money on this terrible junk. "I…don't think this is exactly what I was looking for."
Dude huffed. I mean he literally cocked his hip and huffed at me. "Well, what WERE you looking for?" he said.
"Something that doesn't make me look like I have a disease," I didn't say. "Uh…not this," I said, and fled. This is exactly why I do not like asking salespeople anything beyond maybe where the restroom is and even then I'm kind of worried that they're going to try to intimidate me into buying it.
Luckily, a while later I was fortunate enough to get to spend the afternoon withmerielle, who is a professional feminist in Texas, and whose makeup is amazing. I mean, I hope this doesn't sound like damning with faint praise, but she has absolutely the most professional eyeshadow I have ever seen. Like, you look at her, and her eyeshadow says, "You know how you stay up too late fucking around on the internet? I don't do that. That's why I'm well rested and totally able to deal with whatever shit you try to pull. Also my house is cleaner than yours and I got up early enough this morning to do my perfect makeup before I organized all my shit and got here, so don't even try it." And I don't even know if any of this is true! But I tell you, that is what her eyeshadow says. It is impressive.
Anyway, she told me what it is that I was looking for. It turns out that it comes in two grades. Fancy grade: Yves St. Laurent Touché Eclat. Drugstore grade: Maybelline Instant Age Rewind Eraser Dark Circles Concealer Treatment. I have tried them both and as far as I can tell they are the same thing and it is a pretty good thing.
Currently I am on the search for an eyeliner that will not migrate right back down to under my eyes and recreate the whole problem again, but that is a whole different issue.
I have used Bobbi Brown’s particular goop ever since the day I showed up at Nordstrom, selected the counter with the least fussy/intimidating packaging and salespeople, and said, “Look, I’m old and I need better stuff for smearing on my face and also I would like to start wearing actual makeup once in a while.” Because except for the lengthy goth phase in which it was all about theatrics and Wet n’ Wild black eyeliner pencils, I had never actually worn “regular” makeup. You know, “I just want to look a bit less blotchy and a bit more professional” makeup.Which is funny to me because I too had a Bobbi Brown Help Me I Don't Know Shit experience, only mine didn't turn out so well. I think it was Bobbi Brown. It may have been Laura Mercier. I'm pretty sure it was a woman's name. Anyway, Christ knows how I had time to wander by a makeup counter, I think it was the weekend I organized myself a field trip to the mall to replace my leather jacket which I had finally given up on pretending was ever going to zip again over my post-baby ass. So I had a free half hour, and - feeling massively, massively guilty the whole time on not just going home half an hour early once I had gotten the jacket, which is pretty much how I feel any time I'm not working, cleaning, Officially Socializing, or with the baby, which let me tell you, as an introvert who likes to do random shit by myself, SUCKS - I went by the department store makeup counter. Bobbi Laura, or whatever. There was a guy working there, which I thought was kind of weird but cool, plus I am a sucker for guyliner, so I asked him.
"I have a new baby", I said. "I would like to buy something that would make it look like I've been getting some sleep." Dude sprang happily into action like a killer robot cheerleading squad, or something. "I have the PERFECT THING!" he enthused. This was apparently the product that was MADE for never getting any sleep. It came in two parts. There was a putty part and a dust part. You dab the putty under your eyes, he explained. Look up. Dab dab dab dab DAB DAB dab SMEAR dab dab dab. DAB DAB DAB. Then you dust the dust part over the putty. Dust dust dust. Then he pulled out a mirror. Voila! You look amazing!
Actually, when I looked in the mirror, I looked like someone had smeared purple putty under my eyes and then poured sawdust on it, which was basically what had happened. "Uh", I said, trying not to react visibly. I could feel myself getting pressured into spending a buttload of money on this terrible junk. "I…don't think this is exactly what I was looking for."
Dude huffed. I mean he literally cocked his hip and huffed at me. "Well, what WERE you looking for?" he said.
"Something that doesn't make me look like I have a disease," I didn't say. "Uh…not this," I said, and fled. This is exactly why I do not like asking salespeople anything beyond maybe where the restroom is and even then I'm kind of worried that they're going to try to intimidate me into buying it.
Luckily, a while later I was fortunate enough to get to spend the afternoon with
merielle, who is a professional feminist in Texas, and whose makeup is amazing. I mean, I hope this doesn't sound like damning with faint praise, but she has absolutely the most professional eyeshadow I have ever seen. Like, you look at her, and her eyeshadow says, "You know how you stay up too late fucking around on the internet? I don't do that. That's why I'm well rested and totally able to deal with whatever shit you try to pull. Also my house is cleaner than yours and I got up early enough this morning to do my perfect makeup before I organized all my shit and got here, so don't even try it." And I don't even know if any of this is true! But I tell you, that is what her eyeshadow says. It is impressive. Anyway, she told me what it is that I was looking for. It turns out that it comes in two grades. Fancy grade: Yves St. Laurent Touché Eclat. Drugstore grade: Maybelline Instant Age Rewind Eraser Dark Circles Concealer Treatment. I have tried them both and as far as I can tell they are the same thing and it is a pretty good thing.
Currently I am on the search for an eyeliner that will not migrate right back down to under my eyes and recreate the whole problem again, but that is a whole different issue.