metaphortunate son

Okay, yes, it is OOC Evil Nazi Space Boyfriends. But I laughed so hard. Go on, this day could use some cheering up.

Someone recently linked to Now You Have Dunnett, which is a great blog because I love Dorothy Dunnett and her language and her lightning-fast characterization but wow, do I not have the kind of intimate knowledge of Renaissance-era Scotland that you kind of need in order to keep track of what the fuck is going on. So when I read her first I want someone to help me remember who the Protector is and who are all these women named Mary and why the queen of Scotland is French and when someone says "Pinkie" the correct response is not "Pie" but "a shitload of people just died there" - or possibly "a shitload of people are about to die there", because I don't remember, and that's exactly the problem - and so on. And then I want someone to talk with about how great that shit was we just read, and the blogger is doing that as well, so that's fun too.

So it's got me rereading Game of Kings, perhaps a little more fruitfully this time because 1) I've read it before, and it's actually more fun when you know what's really going on, and 2) the blog and its helpful reminders. You know what's weird, though? I want fic I want about this book. This is quite unusual for me, normally I get into fic by finding writers I like, canon sort of optional, rather than by wanting fic for a particular canon. And I haven't been reading much fic lately - and I've basically been reading no sexy fic at all. And yet, I'm reading Game of Kings, and there are two fics that I kind of want to read now, and they're both sex scenes.

1) Agnes Herries' wedding night with John Maxwell
Eeeeh, starting off creepy unfortunately, because the poor girl was 14 when she got married. But the thing is, these are historical characters. Not, like, characters in Historical Ages where everyone knows girls got married as zygotes, and what everyone knows is usually wrong: actual people in history whose dates were recorded. So that's my excuse, and presumably Dunnett's. But I don't insist on sticking to the canon or the history; the age isn't the key, anyone could age her up if they liked, only to the point that she's still Dunnett's ugly, vital Agnes, with a strong personality of her own and a head full of romantic daydreams; not having quite reached the bitterness that she was on her way to developing.

What I'd like to see is fun, loud, dreamy, ugly Agnes, well intelligent enough to know that her land is what the men want, not her self - canonically, she has "a face like a pound of candles on a hot day" - going to her wedding night with a man who has, more or less, sent her extravagant poetry and brought her a perfect rose and praised all those characteristics of a heroine of romance that she knows, somewhere deep in her squirrely little heart, that she hasn't got. But that she wants to marry him for anyway.

And John, who Sybilla says, and if you can't believe Sybilla who can you believe, is "clever enough - and kind enough - to preserve the fantasy, or at least let her down pretty lightly." But who's not interested in playing up the fantasy as Francis might be: when Francis is writing his love letters for him, John warns him to "curb your mad, antic mind, I beg you. I've no heart to spend myself sustaining what you are creating for me."

So, what do they say to each other, what do they do with each other that night? A girl marrying a man dressed like a dream and a man in a poorly-fitting dream costume marrying a girl whom he believes will be "an excellent wife" if he treats her right - in addition to all her money? And there is evidence that they get it right. After the marriage, when Francis is captured, John visibly takes no hand in the matter, but it's pretty clear that he sends Agnes to help him escape; not something he would do unless he trusted her. And Agnes is "jubilant" to have accomplished her task; she seems happy and competent, well settled into her new life. Transformed, as Dunnett says, by "the dignities of happiness."

So it went well somehow. But how did it go?

2) Will Scott and Francis Crawford's third, non-canon visit to the Ostrich
Well, and this is the most obvious, the one everyone wants. Richard ships it! Everyone ships it! The second time Francis takes Will to the Ostrich, he allows Will to think that he's taking him to a room upstairs to fuck him. Will's reaction: "When Will Scott got to his feet, his heartbeats were behaving oddly, but he was not slow in following the Master…" Of course, when Will enters the room he discovers that Francis has actually brought him upstairs to meet the John Maxwell above mentioned, and has allowed Will to think otherwise, probably as part of a general policy of always keeping him off balance, and also for his own private amusement.

So obviously, if Francis and Will ever went back to the Ostrich, during the offscreen time before the gang got disbanded, Will would be a little smarter this time, looking for the connection to be made, the guy to be met or captured, the contraband or message to be passed or intercepted or overheard. Francis would take him to an empty room and Will would be wisely expecting the message under the water pitcher, or the contact hiding outside on the windowsill, or something. He wouldn't believe the cover story was the only story until Francis pushed him down on the bed.

…

Better yet, what if there was sex and some kind of ridiculous triple-dealing spy business. You know there would be. Man, somebody write this.

AND DON'T TELL ME ABOUT YULETIDE I DON'T WRITE FICTION SO I CAN'T TRADE.

So apparently all I do now here is talk about the Junebug and second thefourthvine's fic recs. Which is good, because at least the baby posts are adding some value! Basically if you don't care about babies you should probably be reading thefourthvine instead of me. I say this in a selfless spirit of giving.

So, like the lady said, you gotta go read Only Good for Legends, by leupagus. Look, do you want to read some of the oldest school slash possible, by which I mean Kirk/Spock? Okay, how about if I tell you it's an AU where Spock is a police detective? Not good enough? What about if I tell you it's a Bechdel-compliant AU where both of the main characters' mothers are 1) alive 2) significantly appearing in this story & 3) significantly awesome*? Did you want to read that OH YES I THINK YOU DID. This story just flipped my shit out from about page three when you meet AU!Spock and he smiles. How creepy is that? TOS!Spock's smile creeped me out so bad! It was unnatural! He was not supposed to smile! In the series, I mean. I think it was in that episode where the flower people roofied them and it was just like, this is wrong. I loved old Spock's smile in the reboot, though, where he meets new Spock and just grins at him all, what up Mini-Me? I nearly teared up, man. I mean, old Spock - I grew up with him, and he was so repressed, and so self-hating, and his squashing down of all his emotions into a tiny little festering gob was his rejection of what he and everyone else on his planet considered his inferior human half; and then to run into him decades later and discover that he can just smile whenever the hell he feels like it now, because he's found a way to make peace with both halves of his heritage - well. I would love like hell to see an It Gets Better Star Trek video with old and new Spocks in character, is all I'm saying. Especially now that Zachary Quinto has come out. And especially since the scene would inevitably be stolen by Mr. Hikaru "It's Okay To Be Takei" Sulu and his naked, oiled chest.

But in this story Spock smiles all the time and it's great.


*I have one slightly spoilery issue with this, which is that Jim Kirk's mom takes part in that trope where she's awesome because she rejects femininity. Which as giandujakiss points out is infuriating in that society shoves you into these roles and then punishes you for playing those roles. But also punishes you for stepping out of them. It sucks. ("Here's what you should do, ladies! Except when you shouldn't and are a bad person for listening to us!") And it kind of sucks that Winona is portrayed as cool because she sneers at women and girl things and demands female strippers like a guy would even though there's no intimation that she's actually sexually into women at all, it's just cool because she's taking on the socially higher-status role. But! This is the exciting thing about having a story with more than one woman in it! Winona is cool like that. But T'Pring is cool in a different way! And T'Pau is badass in yet a different way, and Amanda is cool in a different way, and of course Uhura is cool in her very own way as well, and so, it's not like, Winona is how women are supposed to be cool. It's just that Winona is how Winona is cool. That's nice.