metaphortunate son

The trip to see Bro & GF & Niece went great. Didn't have to drive in the snow, the Junebug napped part of the way there & all the way back, enjoyed the visit. Even had a Skype conversation with my mom and all of us together, and she got to see Niece & really enjoyed it. Bro & GF have a really nice house with a big backyard, cute little town, all of that was great. Niece is adorable. Omg. She is the most beautiful baby. She is so smiley and wiggly and fun.

My heart goes out to her though. She's going to have a long hard road. They're worried about how fat she is.

She's nine weeks old.

Mr. E and I tried to mention that it's GOOD for babies to be fat because they're so small and growing so fast that one bout of illness can burn right through their reserves. I hope they took it onboard but I have a strong sense that because I am fat they think I have a lot of pro-fat propaganda and I just want everyone to be fat.

Bro and GF gave the Junebug an awesome dragon hat for Christmas, which unfortunately thanks to his enormous melon head juuuuuust fits and will clearly be outgrown in two months. That's okay, we said! We love the hat and he will wear it this winter and when he outgrows it we will send it back to you and Niece can wear it because it is awesome.

Niece can't wear a dragon hat! GF said. She's a girl!

Long, hard road ahead of that little girl. And there's so little one can do to help. Even less in my family, because thanks to my mom all of our people-interfering-in-how-you-raise-your-kids needs are already FULLY met, thanks.

Sigh. I don't know. They may be worried about how fat she is, but they're sure not starving her. She's a happy little baby, they must be treating her right. Her room is all set up and it's gorgeous. She's going to grow up with a big yard and a cat and two dogs. There is plenty that the Junebug should envy her. I'm sure we're all just doing the best we can, no matter what kind of game we talk. Right?

Umm, long time no talk. What's been going on….

I have had almost one whole glass of wine so I am pretty drunk! It is sad as shit what being pregnant for nine months and then nursing for sixteen months will do to your alcohol tolerance.

Incidentally, 13 or 14 months was about when I stopped being comfortable nursing in public in terms of feeling judged for nursing a kid that old. Not sure why. Maybe because he's started walking.

Before I had a kid I had Opinions on how old was too old to be nursing. Like, I thought, if the kid was old enough to speak up and ask to nurse, it was too old. Now my educated, considered, and strongly held opinion is that it's none of my god damned business how or whether anybody else's kid nurses. They know what's going on with them; I don't. I have enough to do just figuring out what my own kid needs.

Speaking of which, I stayed up too late last night reading Love Me, Feed Me: The Adoptive Parent's Guide to Ending the Worry About Weight, Picky Eating, Power Struggles and More, which I got because of a recommendation from The Fat Nutritionist on Twitter. It's theoretically aimed at adoptive parents, but has a lot to say that is relevant to anyone who's feeding a kid. Perhaps especially anyone who has food issues of their own, although, do I know any adults who don't have food issues of their own? Anyway, I found it a can't-put-it-down page-turner.

I have been thinking a lot lately about letting go of things I can't control. My baby goes to daycare. He's come home making signs that I don't know. He's learning things that we haven't taught him. It's weird. Really weird. I have to let it go. He's going to learn things I don't teach him, maybe even things I don't want him to know, or not to know at a given time - biting, for example, which we have already gotten a note about an incident of - and that's probably even a good thing. No parent, not even the best-intentioned, should be in complete control of everything their kid learns. I have to let it go.

There are people I really like whom I am coming to terms with the fact that they just don't like me as much as I like them. Not that they don't like me, I think? But you know how it is. There are people you like and you want to see more often… and there are people you like, and you see them maybe once every year or two, and that is just fine by you. And I am that person to some people. And that's okay. I have to let it go.

I've been having a lot of anxiety lately… not just about the election, but Lord knows, it doesn't help. And I'm trying to get better about curating my own news reading. I don't need to click on every "read this to be outraged! If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention!" link my friends retweet about horrible things happening in Naperville, or in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. There is not one goddamn thing I can do for women in the Congo. Seriously. Not one thing. To be anxious about them is a narcissistic, masochistic indulgence that does not help them at all. I don't need to pay attention to things I can't affect or help in any way. In fact I specifically need to not do it, because, because it eats up energy I could be spending on things I actually can affect. Attention is the currency of the day. The things I can't afford to spend it on: I have to let them go.

I think that all this fat activism/Health at Every Size stuff is having an effect on me. Yesterday I went to get my driver's license renewed....and I didn't lie about my weight.