metaphortunate: (Default)
Okay, [personal profile] gabbysilang has got me concerned. Eyebrows? Of all the bits of my body that I have wasted my life fruitlessly wishing were smaller, higher, smoother, less painful, more functional, less hairy or stronger, eyebrows are like the one thing it never occurred to me to wish were otherwise than they were. They...uh, do their job, I guess? They sit on my forehead between my eyes and my hairline. I can raise the left one by itself, sort of! Is that not enough? Should I be demanding more of them? Is there a way to get them to pick up wifi?
metaphortunate: (Default)
When you see a person who is visibly pregnant, you feel:
  • vaguely grossed out and embarrassed for her, as though you were seeing someone loudly hawk up phlegm or perform some other unattractive and probably sticky biological function in public.
  • a protective tenderness. You want to offer her a seat, or get her a snack, or stand between her and the person who’s about to try to touch her belly.
  • a creeping biological horror, as if watching a video of Cordyceps fungus infesting an ant, changing its behavior, killing it, and erupting from the back of its head.
  • like giving her a high-five!
  • a strange, slight jealousy. You don’t want to be pregnant; and yet.
  • an impotent terror, as if watching someone trip and fall towards a counter and reflexively put out their hand down into the sink where a garbage disposal is running. You want to shriek NOOOO! STOP! and you know it is far, far too late.
  • welcoming. Another member has joined the club; you’ll have so much to talk about, and now there will be someone else who always has wet wipes that you can borrow.
  • a jealousy so strong it tastes bitter. If she already has children, you might have to just look away; keep your face still.
  • pleased that you might have found someone who could use your outgrown newborn clothes, or baby swing.
  • irrationally terrified that she might break her water or throw up or something and you’ll have to deal with it.

  • "Better you than me, sister."
metaphortunate: (do you cyber?)
That moment when someone you've only known online posts a selfie & suddenly you know that they're HOT LIKE BURNING

But luckily you're not shallow enough for that to affect the way you interact and besides it's moot because wait that's not true at all! You're still a hairless plains ape trying to use space age technology to find food & mates & shelter! Enjoy second-guessing all your interactions for the next while...
metaphortunate: (Default)
Also, I noticed the other day that Scalzi had done a post about what he calls McKean's Inversion: i.e., the law that anyone who describes themselves as "classy" immediately, accurately and irrevocably conveys the message that they are not classy.

I thought of this on Friday because of my one coworker who is the type of person who would never describe herself as "quirky". We all went out to lunch and politely spent much of the time looking at the pictures of squirrels on her iPad that she really wanted to show us. People who say they are "quirky", I somehow magically hear "desperate to be interesting".

I actually don't think "funny" is one of those words, though. Though maybe this is because I know a lot of professional juggler/comedians. I mean, plenty of unfunny people say they're funny - most salient example right now, my two-year-old, who likes to say his most annoying bullshit is "funny" - but plenty of funny people, even people funny enough to be professionally funny, also say that they're funny, with good reason. In my experience there's neither a negative nor a positive correlation.
metaphortunate: (cocaine is bad)
Thoughts that went through my head over the course of 3 or 4 steps as I was walking to work this morning:

1) Eww, an empty condom packet.

2) No, it's good that people are using condoms. It is. I'm just sad for them that they have to do this where they don't even have a good place to throw out their condom. And personally grossed out, of course. What fun it will be to keep the Junebug from picking this stuff up when he starts walking more.

3) Better look for the condom so I don't step on it.

4) Huh. That is a remarkably large condom packet. Dude must be pleased with himself.

5) Actually, that is...not a condom packet at all. It says "pistachios". I guess it's an empty snack size packet of pistachios. 

6) Jeez, why would you put pistachios on your dick?

7) Wait. No.
metaphortunate: (Default)
[personal profile] staranise is doing a slightly different take on a love meme! She is asking people to say, not just "this person is awesome!" in general, but to name a specific thing that a person has done or made that you like.

I think that's cool! My thread, should you feel so motivated.
metaphortunate: (Default)
Got the weirdest wave of nostalgia today for that summer that I spent so much time smudging my charcoal drawings that I rubbed my fingerprints off.

In grad school my hands were all covered in burns from hot glue guns. Now I have paper cuts from assembling drawing sets, RSI from mousing, and a chronically strained thumb from picking up a 26-lb baby a million times a day. Not to mention the belly overhang from having the baby. It's not a huge belly, I just have like a small cantilevered overhang for my junk now. Maybe I'll stick a decorative urn in my navel and call it a pediment.

It's just strange how life writes its history on your body.
metaphortunate: (Default)
So, what have you been up to?

A) Oh, you know. Same old, same old.

B) What have I been up to? Let me answer that with a long baby anecdote! My baby is nearly at another milestone! I mean, I'm pretty sure. I think there are signs. Do you want to hear all about it? It involves poop. I have a lot of photos on my phone!

C) I've become obsessed with cockfighting. I don't really own any birds of my own, but I've been spending hours on end learning about the sport. It's totally a sport. Let me sit you down and tell you all about my disreputable new hobby. Do you think I should get some birds?

D) Trudging day by day towards the inevitability of the grave while the economy and the climate shit the bed as the human race does a ponderous, balletic, completely avoidable decade-long suicide, same as you. Why?

E) Okay, to be honest, I've been kind of tense lately. I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be able to keep my spouse from noticing that I've been keeping roosters on the back patio.

F) My life is so fucking awesome I can't talk about it because if I ever do even I want to beat myself to death with a hammer for smugness.

G) Do you have half an hour? I could go into everything I've been learning at work and the political dilemmas I've been dealing with and the various strategies I'm considering for coping with them, plus I'd like to vent about my boss.

H) Can't complain. You?
metaphortunate: (Default)
Okay, deleted my last post because it was too much bitching about people being Rong On The Internet (although, I am from Texas, I have heard plenty of that kind of Rong In Real Life actually) and I'm trying not to do that so much, because what's the use.

Instead, a couple bits of randomness. If you're not reading [ profile] jimhines (you are reading [ profile] jimhines, aren't you? Of course you are.) he posted about the Hugo-nominated novelettes, with links. (Novelettes - great word. I visualize slim feminine novels in fancy skirts and comically enormous hats marching for the right to be taken seriously.) May I highly recommend "Six Months, Three Days" by the deliriously talented Charlie Jane Anders. First line: "The man who can see the future has a date with the woman who can see many possible futures." (Spoiler: AWKWARDNESS.)

The Junebug is not circumcised, and my best friend's son is not circumcised, and (we were told by a pediatrician) 50% of American baby boys these days are not circumcised but in our local area it's more like 80% are not, and that seems accurate among my circle of momfriends. But every adult male I've ever seen naked has been circumcised. Which means that now when I see a cut baby boy I'm like AAAH kid what are you doing with a grown man's penis?
metaphortunate: (cocaine is bad)
"The parent picked up the tissue. 'No! Do not wipe me!' wept the baby. But he was baby, and so he would be wiped. Such is the way with babies."
metaphortunate: (Default)
I was biking home yesterday when it occurred to me that I know two professional poker players. Professional gamblers, if you will. And neither of them particularly seems to be on his way to dying in the back of a boxcar after begging whiskey off of a stranger.

Maybe you should be counting your money when you're sitting at the table, is what I'm saying.
metaphortunate: (Default)
I was just reminded that Old Spice smells like labor and delivery to me.

See, as you may recall, I had an emergency induction. Which meant that Mr. E had to run home from the hospital to try and pull all our shit together while the good doctors began the process of trying to get an IV into me, and among the things he did not grab was any deodorant. Welp, turns out that giving birth is a fairly strenuous physical activity, and I had no deodorant left on after spending 8 hours or so in the tub, and after a while it was like, look, my life is bad enough without also being so stinky that I cannot stand to be in the same bed as myself. Please run down to the gift shop and get me some damn deodorant. And all they had was Old Spice brand deodorant. So that was what we all smelled strongly of while I was in the hospital having the Junebug and after.

tl;dr I had the placenta your placenta could smell like.


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