makeup

[metaphortunate]

Mimi Smartypants just posted about buying makeup as an adult, like me, who missed the Makeup Boat that all the femme girls caught in their teens or early twenties when they were having unfortunate experiments with blue eyeshadow and I was, whatever the fuck I was doing back then, I think arguing online about Babylon 5:

I have used Bobbi Brown’s particular goop ever since the day I showed up at Nordstrom, selected the counter with the least fussy/intimidating packaging and salespeople, and said, “Look, I’m old and I need better stuff for smearing on my face and also I would like to start wearing actual makeup once in a while.” Because except for the lengthy goth phase in which it was all about theatrics and Wet n’ Wild black eyeliner pencils, I had never actually worn “regular” makeup. You know, “I just want to look a bit less blotchy and a bit more professional” makeup.

Which is funny to me because I too had a Bobbi Brown Help Me I Don't Know Shit experience, only mine didn't turn out so well. I think it was Bobbi Brown. It may have been Laura Mercier. I'm pretty sure it was a woman's name. Anyway, Christ knows how I had time to wander by a makeup counter, I think it was the weekend I organized myself a field trip to the mall to replace my leather jacket which I had finally given up on pretending was ever going to zip again over my post-baby ass. So I had a free half hour, and - feeling massively, massively guilty the whole time on not just going home half an hour early once I had gotten the jacket, which is pretty much how I feel any time I'm not working, cleaning, Officially Socializing, or with the baby, which let me tell you, as an introvert who likes to do random shit by myself, SUCKS - I went by the department store makeup counter. Bobbi Laura, or whatever. There was a guy working there, which I thought was kind of weird but cool, plus I am a sucker for guyliner, so I asked him.

"I have a new baby", I said. "I would like to buy something that would make it look like I've been getting some sleep." Dude sprang happily into action like a killer robot cheerleading squad, or something. "I have the PERFECT THING!" he enthused. This was apparently the product that was MADE for never getting any sleep. It came in two parts. There was a putty part and a dust part. You dab the putty under your eyes, he explained. Look up. Dab dab dab dab DAB DAB dab SMEAR dab dab dab. DAB DAB DAB. Then you dust the dust part over the putty. Dust dust dust. Then he pulled out a mirror. Voila! You look amazing!

Actually, when I looked in the mirror, I looked like someone had smeared purple putty under my eyes and then poured sawdust on it, which was basically what had happened. "Uh", I said, trying not to react visibly. I could feel myself getting pressured into spending a buttload of money on this terrible junk. "I…don't think this is exactly what I was looking for."

Dude huffed. I mean he literally cocked his hip and huffed at me. "Well, what WERE you looking for?" he said.

"Something that doesn't make me look like I have a disease," I didn't say. "Uh…not this," I said, and fled. This is exactly why I do not like asking salespeople anything beyond maybe where the restroom is and even then I'm kind of worried that they're going to try to intimidate me into buying it.

Luckily, a while later I was fortunate enough to get to spend the afternoon with merielle, who is a professional feminist in Texas, and whose makeup is amazing. I mean, I hope this doesn't sound like damning with faint praise, but she has absolutely the most professional eyeshadow I have ever seen. Like, you look at her, and her eyeshadow says, "You know how you stay up too late fucking around on the internet? I don't do that. That's why I'm well rested and totally able to deal with whatever shit you try to pull. Also my house is cleaner than yours and I got up early enough this morning to do my perfect makeup before I organized all my shit and got here, so don't even try it." And I don't even know if any of this is true! But I tell you, that is what her eyeshadow says. It is impressive.

Anyway, she told me what it is that I was looking for. It turns out that it comes in two grades. Fancy grade: Yves St. Laurent Touché Eclat. Drugstore grade: Maybelline Instant Age Rewind Eraser Dark Circles Concealer Treatment. I have tried them both and as far as I can tell they are the same thing and it is a pretty good thing.

Currently I am on the search for an eyeliner that will not migrate right back down to under my eyes and recreate the whole problem again, but that is a whole different issue.

Comments

[copracat]

Yeah, looking back my Mum was super stylish and well-presented when I was a wee thing, then life happened and there was a lot more managing a second job and three teenagers and my dad, and a lot less looking like a hot fashion babe. For some reason she never passed on the hot fashion babe skills. I have discovered that Maybelline mascara (at least the one I have latched on to) is completely awesome and makes my eyelashes almost fake eyelashes length. It's so cool.

[metaphortunate]

Is it the green and pink kind that has been around since I was a fetus? I hope so just for the sheer retro cool!

[copracat]

Sadly, no. Just plain old black mascara.

[metaphortunate]

I meant the bottle!

[copracat]

Oh! I am clearly not mascara-aware!

[thistleingrey]

If you mean the packaging, I think it may be--a friend swears by it.

[metaphortunate]

Yes, I meant the packaging. I believe the colors of the actual mascara came in black, dark blue or dark brown like God intended back in the primeval mists.

[thistleingrey]

:)) When I was younger, a classmate wore peacock green mascara--not quite teal--but yeah, some things look better on the runway than in quotidian use. Or perhaps that's just me. (When all the special-occasion stuff is used day to day, what d'you do when you have a special occasion?)

[kate_nepveu]

In some unholy combination of vanity and can't-be-bothered, I don't wear makeup, but if I could get makeup to convey that level of professionalism and then _make it true_, I would be *so* there.

(No judging of people who do wear makeup intended or, I hope, implied.)

[metaphortunate]

Heh. I don't think making it true is makeup's department! Makeup is precisely about making it look like, I think.

[kate_nepveu]

Oh sure, but how awesome would it be!

[sparkymonster]

A few years ago I had to get some "I am a professional grown up woman who is going to teach you things" makeup. It was effective but a little weird since that's not my face. I either wear no makeup or crazy colored makeup. A neutral face is not my jam.

[sara]

I have had great luck lately with the Pixi brand they are now stocking at Target. The eyeliners and eyeshadow crayons STAY PUT.

Today I bravely tried the tester of one of their foundation thingies, and my inner arm hasn't broken out in a rash yet (I have REALLY bad luck with allergic reactions to foundation) so I may give that a try sometime. The one complaint I have is that (although not relevant to my skin, which is usually lighter than the lightest shade available, because I am white like a very white thing) their shades do not go much darker than, say, a color LL Bean might call Faded Khaki or perhaps Light Stone.

And yeah, I missed the makeup boat. All the other girls set sail for the fabulous Isle of Maturity and I was busy elsewhere. And then I got a Grownup Job where I was no longer working with (a) hippies (b) biologists or (c) hippie biologists, and have had to learn to work makeup, which is hard when one is allergic to 90% of what is out there. There are totally YouTube videos, though. Those have been really useful to me in my total failiness. Those and a magnifying mirror, my God.

[metaphortunate]

Cool! Thanks for the tip!

I am very pleased that I have not had to learn to work makeup. I hope that more and more women will be in my boat. I am learning to work makeup because ehhh I feel like it.

[karenhealey]

It's like fingerpainting ON YOUR FACE, I love it.

When I have time to do it, which is not that freaking often at the moment!

[spuffyduds]

*bookmarks the fuck out of the Maybelline*

THANK you.

[nonethefewer]

Honestly, ever since I got contacts about a week ago, I've been wanting just a bit of "why of course I sleep enough!" make-up. I have bags under my eyes like I'm a got-dam luggage store. I'm usually actively opposed to me wearing make-up ever, so having this crop up in me is kind of weird.

My ~02:45 rambling way of saying, thank you for posting this. I might try out that Maybelline stuff.

[metaphortunate]

It's weird how our interests change throughout life! I would never ever have guessed that one day I might become interested in eyeliner.

[liseuse]

I think I may have raised my arms to the skies the day I discovered Touché Eclat. The only eyeliner I have ever found that does not end up making me look like a panda is by Almay, and it looks like they don't make it anymore. Which, because I am coming to the end of my pencil means I am sadfacing.

[metaphortunate]

WHY DO THEY STOP MAKING THE THINGS WHYYYYY.

[liseuse]

IT IS SO MEAN. (Though, thinking about it, this means I might be able to justify buying one of the Boujois eyeliners, which are also amazing.)

[jae]

I bought something like that Maybelline one while I was in Utrecht last year--and it had caffeine in it! I don't know whether it actually does anything extra, but the idea was so cool I had to try it.

-J

[jae]

Aha, it was this.

-J

[metaphortunate]

Aha, well caffeine is a vasoconstrictor - I bet it's meant to reduce puffiness.

[sparkymonster]

Yay goop!

My mom thinks my love of makeup is weird. She also thinks I'm weird for shaving my legs. Oh hippy mom.

On the eyeliner urban decay 24/7 pencil is good (and you can buy it online from Sephora and not deal with people!). Use it on the top lid/lash line only. I'm also a fan of going to the MAC counter/store for makeup. Sometimes you can ask guys for makeup help and that's nice. One thing that can make you look less sleepy is light colored eyeshadow on your eye lid. MAC sells this stuff called "paint pots" (http://www.maccosmetics.com/product/shaded/154/1573/Products/Eyes/Shadow/Paint-Pot/index.tmpl). You apply it with a finger. "soft ochre" or "painterly" are some shades you could try. Also Benefit cream eyeshadow (http://www.benefitcosmetics.com/product/view/creaseless-cream-eyeshadow-liner) in champagne or peach. You can also get Benefit at Sephora and some makeup countres.

Seriously smear a clean finger across the pot, smear it on your eyelid, BAM you look more awake.

Also, youtube makeup videos are great because you can rewatch them at home.

[thistleingrey]

Seconding MAC counters as (within my small experience) less in your face and down your throat than most. The one nearest me had a guy who was very patient and kind with my explanation of how I wanted to look like myself for my wedding, but have just enough makeup on to satisfy the in-laws expecting it as part of getting dressed.

Also, yeah, yay getting to choose. I dunno whether it's allergies or what, but every lip gloss or stick I have tried takes the skin off in under an hour; I have stopped trying, and my office environment cares not.

[metaphortunate]

Neat! Thanks for the rec, I will try them out!

The problem with youtube makeup videos is that there are 1,000,001 of them uploaded every day. Any thoughts on which ones are good?

[cme]

I LOVE the way you describe her makeup!

I also missed the makeup boat. And I think my mother didn't notice until it was waaaaaaaaaaay too late and then totally got upset that her darling girl wasn't doing lady! Like, she'd spent forever discouraging me from growing up and trying to keep me from making my own decisions, and then I got old enough that the makeup boat had SAILED and she looked around and noticed I wasn't wearing makeup and I was about to leave home and I had no IDEA how to wear it and also no interest and I think she may have flipped out a little inside.

And I am especially grateful for that because my mom was totally into the blue mascara and blush thing, and blue eyeshadow and pink lipstick when she was feeling fancy. So if the boat hadn't missed me, it would probably have given me really bad taste!

[metaphortunate]

Hah. Now me, when I was a teenager, I WANTED to do makeup! I was in the buckle of the Bible Belt, femininity was compulsory, I tried so hard to paint my nails and wear lipstick and shit and my mom was all NO NO NO WIPE THAT OFF YOUNG LADY YOU ARE NOWHERE NEAR GODDAMN OLD ENOUGH TO WEAR MAKEUP. Seriously. It's actually funny as shit.
17: me insisting on wearing makeup, my mom furiously demanding that I not.
18: I go away to college, am suddenly free! free! It takes me about two weeks to stop wearing makeup and then I don't for the next twenty years. I come home on breaks and my mom starts demanding that I try wearing at least a little bit of makeup, come on...

[merielle]

I'm flattered and also laughing over here, because that was totes my five-minute-I-have-a-meeting-and-have-to-look-like-a-grownup makeup!

Here's what it was:

- Good concealer, which you've got locked down
- Curled eyelashes - Cannot overemphasize how much difference this makes. Shu Uemura makes a great eyelash curler.
- Cream shadow in light gold, much as sparky suggested above. I'm using the last of my Stila All-Over Shimmer, which was discontinued (*cries*), and then I'm switching over to the Benefit stuff.

That is my magical combo platter. Sometimes I also use a charcoal gray eyeliner, which is defining but not as harsh as black on my pasty white self, and do a tiny wing upward at the outer corner of my eye. There is an excellent trick for the wing - take a piece of paper and hold it up near your eye, creating a line from the outer corner of your eye to the outer endpoint of your eyebrow. Make a dot with your eyeliner along that line as far out as you wanted. Put down the piece of paper and draw a line connecting the dot with the corner of your eye. Easy peasy. Makeshift grid lines for your face! Wooo!

And while the above is, of course, what I *hope* my makeup says, my house is not clean and I almost certainly got up later than you, but I'm totally fucking prepared for meetings.

[metaphortunate]

I am going to try some of this cream shadow in light gold! Someday. That is a neat sounding trick with the eyeliner.

You seem like you are totally fucking prepared for the meetings in other ways, too. :)