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It feels like every time I run, I get sick. But in reality I think it's that I don't run when I'm sick. So I go for a run when I feel like I'm finally over the last cold. By which time I'm coming down with the next cold. >:P
under pressure
Jul. 7th, 2012 08:33 pmThe time I went scuba diving, one of the most fun things about it for me was the ongoing feeling that I was getting away with something. Look, world! I'm underwater and I'm breathing! I'm not supposed to be able to do this! Reality, I thumb my nose at you!
Probably it was fun because I understood how and why I was breathing underwater. If you suddenly discovered you could breathe underwater, but you didn't know how, or why, or whether the ability might go away at any point? You might not do it even if you could. You probably wouldn't go very deep.
As I've talked about a bit, post-baby I've had a surprisingly deep pink shift in my gender identity. And what has been shocking to me is what a weight off it is now that I am no longer walking that fine line between heterosexually partnered and butch. How easy it is to buy shoes. How easy it is to decide what to wear to parties. My god - I wasn't even that butch, and I had no idea how much of my energy was bound up in simply not being as femme as women are "supposed" to be. I am not saying that I should have been dressing femme before. I shouldn't have been, because I hated it. But there's two ways of looking at it.
One of them is this: earlier in my life, wearing makeup and dresses made me feel trapped and miserable, and now it makes me feel daring and fun. Therefore I should not have done it then, and I should do it now.
But there is another, insidious, pervasive, subterranean way of looking at it, which is this: look, if the only reason not to do something is because it makes you miserable, if it's all in your head, why not do what you're supposed to do? Why not do what's easy?
I just got home from a rather large party in a nice suburban home where I was the only woman there with a job. It's been a year since I had the Junebug. We still live in the city. I still work nearly full-time. Around these parts, it feels like breathing underwater. Nearly half the people I know are living like I used to and they have no kids. Nearly half the people I know are parents and the moms have quit their jobs and mostly they live in the suburbs. I know a couple of working moms but their kids are older. We could survive without my salary. Sometimes it feels like the fact that I'm pretty sure I'd be sullenly unhappy as a stay-at-home mom in the suburbs is not a good enough reason not to do it. After all, it must be better for the baaaaaaby, right? That's why everyone does it, right? What problem am I missing about our current lives that we're going to pay for later? If everyone is running for the exit, do they know something I don't? When is this air tank going to run out?
Probably it was fun because I understood how and why I was breathing underwater. If you suddenly discovered you could breathe underwater, but you didn't know how, or why, or whether the ability might go away at any point? You might not do it even if you could. You probably wouldn't go very deep.
As I've talked about a bit, post-baby I've had a surprisingly deep pink shift in my gender identity. And what has been shocking to me is what a weight off it is now that I am no longer walking that fine line between heterosexually partnered and butch. How easy it is to buy shoes. How easy it is to decide what to wear to parties. My god - I wasn't even that butch, and I had no idea how much of my energy was bound up in simply not being as femme as women are "supposed" to be. I am not saying that I should have been dressing femme before. I shouldn't have been, because I hated it. But there's two ways of looking at it.
One of them is this: earlier in my life, wearing makeup and dresses made me feel trapped and miserable, and now it makes me feel daring and fun. Therefore I should not have done it then, and I should do it now.
But there is another, insidious, pervasive, subterranean way of looking at it, which is this: look, if the only reason not to do something is because it makes you miserable, if it's all in your head, why not do what you're supposed to do? Why not do what's easy?
I just got home from a rather large party in a nice suburban home where I was the only woman there with a job. It's been a year since I had the Junebug. We still live in the city. I still work nearly full-time. Around these parts, it feels like breathing underwater. Nearly half the people I know are living like I used to and they have no kids. Nearly half the people I know are parents and the moms have quit their jobs and mostly they live in the suburbs. I know a couple of working moms but their kids are older. We could survive without my salary. Sometimes it feels like the fact that I'm pretty sure I'd be sullenly unhappy as a stay-at-home mom in the suburbs is not a good enough reason not to do it. After all, it must be better for the baaaaaaby, right? That's why everyone does it, right? What problem am I missing about our current lives that we're going to pay for later? If everyone is running for the exit, do they know something I don't? When is this air tank going to run out?
This is why I am pissed off at myself.
I said it. I said it to Mr. E. I said it to myself. I have said, "Self, we used to be a lazy person. There were entire days when we would lie around reading books and enjoying ourselves and go to bed feeling vaguely dissatisfied with not having accomplished anything. Those days are over. These days we get up in the morning and do chores and baby tend and work until we go to bed at night feeling despair over not having accomplished anything. We love playing with the baby. If we find ourselves sitting blankly on a chair reading the internet and ignoring the baby, that is a sign of something wrong. It is, in fact, a pretty good sign that we are coming down with something. We need to stop treating ourselves like a lazy person who needs to be bullied into things, because we are not that person anymore."
Furthermore, I love having this little guy. I regret nothing - except under one circumstance. When I am sick, I find myself having horrible feelings that this was a mistake. Sometimes this takes the form of worrying about how old I am and how it will be so sad for the Junebug to have such relatively old parents.
So yesterday, as I found myself miserable, wondering if we had made the right decision, exhausted, staring blankly at the floor while the Junebug played, what did I do? I decided that I was being fussy and lazy and that going for a three mile run would perk me up.
Yeah, by the time I got home I was dizzy with fever. Oh me, why so dumb sometimes?
I said it. I said it to Mr. E. I said it to myself. I have said, "Self, we used to be a lazy person. There were entire days when we would lie around reading books and enjoying ourselves and go to bed feeling vaguely dissatisfied with not having accomplished anything. Those days are over. These days we get up in the morning and do chores and baby tend and work until we go to bed at night feeling despair over not having accomplished anything. We love playing with the baby. If we find ourselves sitting blankly on a chair reading the internet and ignoring the baby, that is a sign of something wrong. It is, in fact, a pretty good sign that we are coming down with something. We need to stop treating ourselves like a lazy person who needs to be bullied into things, because we are not that person anymore."
Furthermore, I love having this little guy. I regret nothing - except under one circumstance. When I am sick, I find myself having horrible feelings that this was a mistake. Sometimes this takes the form of worrying about how old I am and how it will be so sad for the Junebug to have such relatively old parents.
So yesterday, as I found myself miserable, wondering if we had made the right decision, exhausted, staring blankly at the floor while the Junebug played, what did I do? I decided that I was being fussy and lazy and that going for a three mile run would perk me up.
Yeah, by the time I got home I was dizzy with fever. Oh me, why so dumb sometimes?
fetch me my Drama Crown and the humidifier
Nov. 4th, 2011 09:28 pmNow the Junebug has a cold, which is the worst thing that has happened to anybody ever. Listening to him snort and get frustrated trying to nurse because his nose is too stuffed up to breathe has me all weepy and HOW COULD WE BRING AN INNOCENT SOUL INTO THIS VALE OF TEARS WHEN WE KNEW MANKIND IS BORN TO SUFFER.
...I am a little short on sleep.
Incidentally yes I know this was an inevitable consequence of starting him at daycare. And if I had somehow missed that bit of cause and effect my mother has helpfully brought it up several times. Basically I wish we were all dead.
...I am a little short on sleep.
Incidentally yes I know this was an inevitable consequence of starting him at daycare. And if I had somehow missed that bit of cause and effect my mother has helpfully brought it up several times. Basically I wish we were all dead.
