metaphortunate son (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
metaphortunate) wrote2012-07-02 09:05 pm
metaphortunate) wrote2012-07-02 09:05 pm
Entry tags:
d'oh
This is why I am pissed off at myself.
I said it. I said it to Mr. E. I said it to myself. I have said, "Self, we used to be a lazy person. There were entire days when we would lie around reading books and enjoying ourselves and go to bed feeling vaguely dissatisfied with not having accomplished anything. Those days are over. These days we get up in the morning and do chores and baby tend and work until we go to bed at night feeling despair over not having accomplished anything. We love playing with the baby. If we find ourselves sitting blankly on a chair reading the internet and ignoring the baby, that is a sign of something wrong. It is, in fact, a pretty good sign that we are coming down with something. We need to stop treating ourselves like a lazy person who needs to be bullied into things, because we are not that person anymore."
Furthermore, I love having this little guy. I regret nothing - except under one circumstance. When I am sick, I find myself having horrible feelings that this was a mistake. Sometimes this takes the form of worrying about how old I am and how it will be so sad for the Junebug to have such relatively old parents.
So yesterday, as I found myself miserable, wondering if we had made the right decision, exhausted, staring blankly at the floor while the Junebug played, what did I do? I decided that I was being fussy and lazy and that going for a three mile run would perk me up.
Yeah, by the time I got home I was dizzy with fever. Oh me, why so dumb sometimes?
I said it. I said it to Mr. E. I said it to myself. I have said, "Self, we used to be a lazy person. There were entire days when we would lie around reading books and enjoying ourselves and go to bed feeling vaguely dissatisfied with not having accomplished anything. Those days are over. These days we get up in the morning and do chores and baby tend and work until we go to bed at night feeling despair over not having accomplished anything. We love playing with the baby. If we find ourselves sitting blankly on a chair reading the internet and ignoring the baby, that is a sign of something wrong. It is, in fact, a pretty good sign that we are coming down with something. We need to stop treating ourselves like a lazy person who needs to be bullied into things, because we are not that person anymore."
Furthermore, I love having this little guy. I regret nothing - except under one circumstance. When I am sick, I find myself having horrible feelings that this was a mistake. Sometimes this takes the form of worrying about how old I am and how it will be so sad for the Junebug to have such relatively old parents.
So yesterday, as I found myself miserable, wondering if we had made the right decision, exhausted, staring blankly at the floor while the Junebug played, what did I do? I decided that I was being fussy and lazy and that going for a three mile run would perk me up.
Yeah, by the time I got home I was dizzy with fever. Oh me, why so dumb sometimes?
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Feel better soon.
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YES, that.
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As one bit of anecdata, my mother had me when she was 40 (OMG she would kill me if she knew I was saying that), and both of my parents are still going strong today! In fact they were both quite healthy until they started getting into their eighties and had to deal with stuff like slipped disc surgeries and gall bladder removal and knee replacement and so on, but they don't have major health problems KNOCK WOOD. So, it is possible.
As for having older parents, yeah, sometimes it was frustrating, but I also got a first-hand account of cultural stuff like what it was like growing up in the Depression and WWII and Tin Pan Alley and San Francisco in the fifties and what have you, and that was actually pretty neat.
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I used to have a test for whether I was ill or just lazy. I'd think about how the Duke of Cumberland was murderously attacked by his deranged valet* with a straight razor, and the Duke was horribly cut up stopping him, and then people said the Duke had tried to kill his valet but it was all covered up. And if tears came to my eyes, I was ill.
An odd proceeding, but it worked.
* There were lots and lots of excellent reasons to attack the Duke, at least politically. He was a very nasty git. But the valet was unhinged.
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Meanwhile, I assume this means we need to reschedule our hangout time tonight?
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Email me or reply to this if you need to cancel. I'll be accessible until 5pm.
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Being around older people isn't bad. I have very clear ideas about what the good life for myself as an older person might be like, and I am therefore neither lost nor afraid as I age.
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So! That hypothetical girl who gets five more years or whatever can bite my existing ass.
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My paranoia-regret goes the other way. If I had waited until we weren't so poor, until we weren't so young, would we be better parents? Would we have been able to buy a house? Would we be more financially secure now? Would I be able to give my kids things that they haven't gotten because I can't afford it, like piano lessons and vacations and non-shitty cars and non-Target shoes? How am I going to help them through college if I don't have a home to borrow against? blah blah blah.
Which is not to say that we're both doing it wrong. You're doing great, and plugged ducts are vicious no matter how old you are, and oh, god, mastitis...
I just think it's hard not to second-guess yourself when you make huge decisions. And the cultural messages we get are crazy-conflicting and twist us all up.