metaphortunate son (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
metaphortunate) wrote2012-07-07 08:33 pm
metaphortunate) wrote2012-07-07 08:33 pm
Entry tags:
under pressure
The time I went scuba diving, one of the most fun things about it for me was the ongoing feeling that I was getting away with something. Look, world! I'm underwater and I'm breathing! I'm not supposed to be able to do this! Reality, I thumb my nose at you!
Probably it was fun because I understood how and why I was breathing underwater. If you suddenly discovered you could breathe underwater, but you didn't know how, or why, or whether the ability might go away at any point? You might not do it even if you could. You probably wouldn't go very deep.
As I've talked about a bit, post-baby I've had a surprisingly deep pink shift in my gender identity. And what has been shocking to me is what a weight off it is now that I am no longer walking that fine line between heterosexually partnered and butch. How easy it is to buy shoes. How easy it is to decide what to wear to parties. My god - I wasn't even that butch, and I had no idea how much of my energy was bound up in simply not being as femme as women are "supposed" to be. I am not saying that I should have been dressing femme before. I shouldn't have been, because I hated it. But there's two ways of looking at it.
One of them is this: earlier in my life, wearing makeup and dresses made me feel trapped and miserable, and now it makes me feel daring and fun. Therefore I should not have done it then, and I should do it now.
But there is another, insidious, pervasive, subterranean way of looking at it, which is this: look, if the only reason not to do something is because it makes you miserable, if it's all in your head, why not do what you're supposed to do? Why not do what's easy?
I just got home from a rather large party in a nice suburban home where I was the only woman there with a job. It's been a year since I had the Junebug. We still live in the city. I still work nearly full-time. Around these parts, it feels like breathing underwater. Nearly half the people I know are living like I used to and they have no kids. Nearly half the people I know are parents and the moms have quit their jobs and mostly they live in the suburbs. I know a couple of working moms but their kids are older. We could survive without my salary. Sometimes it feels like the fact that I'm pretty sure I'd be sullenly unhappy as a stay-at-home mom in the suburbs is not a good enough reason not to do it. After all, it must be better for the baaaaaaby, right? That's why everyone does it, right? What problem am I missing about our current lives that we're going to pay for later? If everyone is running for the exit, do they know something I don't? When is this air tank going to run out?
Probably it was fun because I understood how and why I was breathing underwater. If you suddenly discovered you could breathe underwater, but you didn't know how, or why, or whether the ability might go away at any point? You might not do it even if you could. You probably wouldn't go very deep.
As I've talked about a bit, post-baby I've had a surprisingly deep pink shift in my gender identity. And what has been shocking to me is what a weight off it is now that I am no longer walking that fine line between heterosexually partnered and butch. How easy it is to buy shoes. How easy it is to decide what to wear to parties. My god - I wasn't even that butch, and I had no idea how much of my energy was bound up in simply not being as femme as women are "supposed" to be. I am not saying that I should have been dressing femme before. I shouldn't have been, because I hated it. But there's two ways of looking at it.
One of them is this: earlier in my life, wearing makeup and dresses made me feel trapped and miserable, and now it makes me feel daring and fun. Therefore I should not have done it then, and I should do it now.
But there is another, insidious, pervasive, subterranean way of looking at it, which is this: look, if the only reason not to do something is because it makes you miserable, if it's all in your head, why not do what you're supposed to do? Why not do what's easy?
I just got home from a rather large party in a nice suburban home where I was the only woman there with a job. It's been a year since I had the Junebug. We still live in the city. I still work nearly full-time. Around these parts, it feels like breathing underwater. Nearly half the people I know are living like I used to and they have no kids. Nearly half the people I know are parents and the moms have quit their jobs and mostly they live in the suburbs. I know a couple of working moms but their kids are older. We could survive without my salary. Sometimes it feels like the fact that I'm pretty sure I'd be sullenly unhappy as a stay-at-home mom in the suburbs is not a good enough reason not to do it. After all, it must be better for the baaaaaaby, right? That's why everyone does it, right? What problem am I missing about our current lives that we're going to pay for later? If everyone is running for the exit, do they know something I don't? When is this air tank going to run out?