the limits of consent

I have always been insistent that we are teaching the children, by talking and by example, about consent, and that one's body belongs to oneself, as much as possible within the limits of childhood. So, we talk about how everybody has to go in the carseat and get strapped in whether they want to or not, and if the Junebug doesn't want to go, I will put him there. Because that is a thing that has to happen. But if I want to tickle him, and he doesn't want to be tickled, then I don't tickle him, because tickling is just for fun, and if fun isn't fun for everyone, it's not fun.

(That concept was introduced to me by kcatalyst: that if a game isn't fun for everyone, you have to play something else. My immediate reaction was "that's ridiculous! That would never work! How could you find something that was fun for everyone?" But I think kcatalyst is very smart and has done a lot of thinking about how life should be, so I sat with that. For a long time. And I have been convinced. It sure wasn't the way I was raised, and I think there's probably a useful addition somewhere analogous to what Cliff Pervocracy has to say about the validity of unenthusiastic consent; i.e., it's okay if something's not someone's favorite game, they may be willing to play it to trade so that later someone else will play their favorite game, or whatever. But, rules lawyering aside: yeah. The idea that if a game is fun for three out of the four of you and the fourth is crying, it's not a good game…yeah. Wow, I really like that, and I'm sad that it took me so long to realize that.)

So I've been asking the Junebug if I can smooch him, or hug him, or tickle him. And he almost always says no. And I have strictly respected that. So, no smooching, no hugging, no tickling, no nose booping…the other day, though, I did something that, if I had done it to another adult, would have been really skeevy. I said I was going to boop his nose, and he said, of course, "No! No nose boop." I did not boop his nose. But I teased him, sort of exploring the limits, and ended up booping his elbow, and his toes, and he ended up shrieking with giggles, and the whole rest of the evening was playful. The truth is that I respected the letter but not the spirit of his "no". And things went much better. It was the evening that we had such a lovely time together.

And I've been doing that more over the past few days. And things between us have been going much better. I've stopped explicitly asking if I can tickle him, etc. I've stopped strictly respecting the spirit of "no, don't tickle me!" in the way I would with an adult. And I think we're both happier.

You know, the reason that the Junebug does not get to make the decision whether or not to ride in his carseat is not because he would make the wrong decision. Even if he liked it and would choose to, that wouldn't mean he's competent to decide, because he still wouldn't understand the situation and the consequences. He is not competent to decide whether he wants to be strapped into the carseat.

That was immediately obvious to me; it has been less obvious, but I have learned, that he is not yet competent to decide that he doesn't want to eat breakfast. With an adult, or an older kid, I will someday be able to say "That's up to you, but if you don't eat now, you'll be hungry on the way to daycare." The Junebug is not old enough to make that decision, I know. He doesn't follow that chain of consequences yet. It is up to me to get him to eat breakfast so that he has a happy morning.

I am starting to think that he is not competent to decide that he doesn't want to play and he wants to reject any friendly overtures and be in a bad mood that will last all evening. I want to give him as much autonomy as possible over his body, but - the effects of not being played with are more subtle than the effects of not having his butt wiped, but I see now that they are there. I don't let him choose not to have his butt wiped. And things have been going better when I have not been letting him choose not to be played with.

Conclusion…I don't know. Consent in kids is a moving target, I guess. We will have to keep paying attention.

also, Rocket

Also, poor Rocket with his second baby syndrome. Guys, he still exists, and today he rolled over from his front to his back. Off a pillow, down to my bed, and onto his co-sleeper actually. But he was really chill about it. He hates his co-sleeper at night and has developed the ability to cough himself awake the moment I put him in it. He likes pacifiers for about 15 seconds then spits them out. He has a huge smile and a bald spot. He is a long baby. He is fussing from the other room so I better go...