metaphortunate | pretty things and money, part 2

And on another note, I have recently been privileged to see, up close and personal, an didactically clear example of why exactly it is so profitable for various industries to keep us in a constant state of insecurity. Since about my eighth month of pregnancy - and much more strongly since giving birth - I have felt ugly*. It makes a shocking difference to my level of happiness. I mean, I am noticeably unhappy about it every day, all day. Even though whether or not I am ugly affects most of my daily life not at all. I can't seem to shake it**.

And, as a consequence, I'm spending money. I'm not exactly going on shopping sprees - except for nursing tops, I guess, but it turns out I didn't used to own any of those, so I kind of had to - but when I buy things I need, I'm buying pricier ones. I bought fancy jeans to replace the ones that wore out. When I had to buy sunglasses, I bought fancy ones. I bought a pretty watch. Because when I'm feeling ugly, it's more worth money to me that at least my clothes can look nice.

*Please don't comment to tell me about whether or not I actually look ugly; it's not a rational thing, you can't help. I appreciate it if you were gonna. I was considering turning off comments but I'm interested in people's thoughts on insecurity/spending.

**I'm not unhappy all day every day! But I can tell that I'm slightly unhappier than I would be otherwise, because I keep thinking about it.

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i buy clothes i can hide in when i'm feeling insecure. i am doing pretty well and have been for a while, because i keep buying clothes that are smaller, and they are still TOO DAMN BIG. i'm sort of terrified to find out what size pants i actually wear.

But properly fitting clothes are a joy! I love not having to hike my pants up every time I stand up!

This happens to me regularly, even though on some level I have been "so over" consumption, capitalism, and femme-ness for a decade. Back in the day, I would buy a new lipstick. Cheap, but still...

These days I have minor freakouts whenever I need a haircut or am bloated from PMS or having a hard time in the relationship, and I look at myself and don't like what I see. And the solution my lizard brain suggests? "Buy new clothes!" Which I object to on about 47 different levels.

The thing that makes me crazy is that it actually works. If I give in to the impulse and buy something I love that looks great on me, I feel better. Sometimes, a LOT better.

I hate the whole thing.

Eh, I dunno. Given the therapy-meds-go-round people get stuck on for so long, if spending $10 to hem my jeans actually makes me feel better, for reals? I WILL SPEND THAT $10. I mean, holy shit. Even pricey pricey sunglasses are cheaper than one single session of therapy!

You make a compelling argument. (:

Totally agreed here. Nice things are nice to have!

For me, it goes the other way: I know I'm not attractive, and I also know that nothing I can buy is going to fix that, so I buy way less prettiness-related stuff than most people.

I mean, there is definitely a financial incentive to keeping people who actually are attractive insecure. If you convince people that they are certainly hideous naturally, but if they only buy nice stuff they will be more attractive, it forms a very lucrative loop: attractive people believe they aren't, buy nice stuff, expect to look better, and since the problem all along was in how they saw themselves, that expectation of looking better means they actually can acknowledge their own attractiveness.

But if you try that enough times and it never pans out at all, after a while, you drop out of the loop. So, my point: this loop is a real thing, but, you know. Doesn't work for everyone. Get on that, marketers! There is an untapped source of cash here!

Wow, this is totally me. I am not pretty or cute, and nothing I can buy will look better on me than "well, not completely unacceptable, I guess", so I don't bother. When I get that sort of unhappy/uncomfortable, I go buy books.

I often wonder if I'd be the same sort of radical, angry feminist if I had a body that was more able to conform to femininity. If I could pass, would I be doing that? What would I think about the world if I had been a different-loooking person, one who needed less policing?

I often think about how I would see the world from a different vantage point. Especially now, given that my son is, for all intents and purposes, a white guy. I think a lot about how to teach him to take pride in his accomplishments while being aware that he was born on third base.

Yeah, it took me a while to realise that 'retail therapy' was exactly what it said on the label.

Still cheaper than the regular kind!

That's interesting; I have not experienced that particular spending loop. But here's what happened to me, instead: since my kids were first born, I have occasionally worked part-time, but there were other periods where either (a) a kid needed my full attention, (b) I was too depressed to both parent and work, or (c) I couldn't find an appropriate part-time job. During those times, I was starved for achievement, and shopping for bargains became my "work". I knew, but couldn't emotionally convince myself, that spending money on something you don't need is still spending money on something you don't need, even when it's a REALLY GREAT DEAL. Now I'm earning money again... and suddenly I'm much less tempted to spend it.

Ahaha I LOVE your icon. :D

Man the gulf between what you know and what you can emotionally convince yourself of is such a pitfall...

Feeling ugly sucks.

I sometimes have that, and it was worse right after the kids were born, but I am just coming to accept that just as some people are motivated by food, I am motivated by praise, even internal praise.

But external praise is better.

One of the ways I can get both is by conforming to femmeness or prettiness standards. I am significantly motivated by the thought of looking prettier.

Also, when I am not working, the patriarchal standards of productivity and feeling like I am not meeting them get into my head and make me even hungrier for affirmation.

Good luck, hon. It sucks, but it gets better.

What do you feel like when you don't feel ugly?

As I said over on LJ, I actually didn't used to spend all that much time thinking about my appearance! I guess I would say it did not factor much into the way I felt on a daily basis. I mean, I put some effort into looking professional at work, and feel the satisfaction of a goal achieved when I think I have achieved it.

(omg, I am so happy that you are not gone forever! I had missed the note about the move and finally got on the ball, and, /huuuuuuuggggs)

I confess: I indulge in retail therapy. I try to stick with food because I feel like I am only contributing to the problem if I buy myself clothes to feel less ugly/undesirable, but there it is. Capitalism's shit, ain't it? At least, the parts of it that are predicated on the suffering of others.

pretty things and money, part 2

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