pretty things and money, part 2

[metaphortunate]

And on another note, I have recently been privileged to see, up close and personal, an didactically clear example of why exactly it is so profitable for various industries to keep us in a constant state of insecurity. Since about my eighth month of pregnancy - and much more strongly since giving birth - I have felt ugly*. It makes a shocking difference to my level of happiness. I mean, I am noticeably unhappy about it every day, all day. Even though whether or not I am ugly affects most of my daily life not at all. I can't seem to shake it**.

And, as a consequence, I'm spending money. I'm not exactly going on shopping sprees - except for nursing tops, I guess, but it turns out I didn't used to own any of those, so I kind of had to - but when I buy things I need, I'm buying pricier ones. I bought fancy jeans to replace the ones that wore out. When I had to buy sunglasses, I bought fancy ones. I bought a pretty watch. Because when I'm feeling ugly, it's more worth money to me that at least my clothes can look nice.


*Please don't comment to tell me about whether or not I actually look ugly; it's not a rational thing, you can't help. I appreciate it if you were gonna. I was considering turning off comments but I'm interested in people's thoughts on insecurity/spending.

**I'm not unhappy all day every day! But I can tell that I'm slightly unhappier than I would be otherwise, because I keep thinking about it.

Comments

[wired]

I sometimes have that, and it was worse right after the kids were born, but I am just coming to accept that just as some people are motivated by food, I am motivated by praise, even internal praise.

But external praise is better.

One of the ways I can get both is by conforming to femmeness or prettiness standards. I am significantly motivated by the thought of looking prettier.

Also, when I am not working, the patriarchal standards of productivity and feeling like I am not meeting them get into my head and make me even hungrier for affirmation.

Good luck, hon. It sucks, but it gets better.