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what's going to happen
Aug. 31st, 2013 03:11 pmPeople ask me if the Junebug knows what's going to happen. Y'all, I didn't know what was going to happen before I had the Junebug, and I had been to birth classes and read books and stuff. I think people are expecting a little too much of the understanding of a two-year-old. We tell him there's a baby in Mama's tummy, and the baby will come out soon, but we tell him a lot of things.
You know, if the Junebug had been born a girl, we wouldn't be having another baby now. Which sounds like I really want a girl, but that's not what it is. What it is, is that I am unreasonably terrified of recreating the dynamics of my birth family, and the possibility of living with an older sister-younger brother duo again is not one I could have faced.
And of course, yes there is the possibility that the Junebug may turn out to be trans, but if so, whatever that turns out to be like, at least it won't be like how I grew up.
Thinking a lot about gender, because of not knowing what Hypo will be. (Still no one believes us. Not my mom, not the people at the daycare. "You're still not telling?") I'm going to be sad no matter what, I think half-facetiously. I don't want Hypo to be a girl, another tiny little scrap of human vulnerability in a world that hates girls. But I don't want Hypo to be a boy and then know for a fact that I'll never see a child of mine carry a child of her own*. And I must admit that I think girl and boy are the soft options and if Hypo turns out to be neither/or then they'll have it even tougher. I think I'd just like Hypo to continue existing in this blessedly gender-free state for as long as possible. Poor little one. Why on earth would I ultrasound Schroedinger's junk and end that state sooner than I had to?
Me, I'm still being unprecedentedly femme for me. Last pregnancy I would never have worn dresses, or leggings; this time around I am taking 100% advantage of my presentation gender's permission to basically wear pyjamas all day, i.e. leggings and tunics. Shit yes. Although I still have weird feelings about enjoying wearing makeup and such. D'you know, though, the Junebug is making me feel better about it? Because he gets such giggling joy out of wearing his Cars shirt or his doggie shirt or his trousers with the airplanes on them or his shoes with the fire trucks on them. Caring about what the things we wear look like seems surprisingly innate somehow.
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*Yes, I know maybe neither kid nor proto-kid will choose to have a kid at all, and that will genuinely be fine. But it will be weird to have half the options closed off already. And also, yes, a little sad. Having made the decision to reproduce, it's easy to emotionally go all the way and think that it would be nice for it to go on into the future.
You know, if the Junebug had been born a girl, we wouldn't be having another baby now. Which sounds like I really want a girl, but that's not what it is. What it is, is that I am unreasonably terrified of recreating the dynamics of my birth family, and the possibility of living with an older sister-younger brother duo again is not one I could have faced.
And of course, yes there is the possibility that the Junebug may turn out to be trans, but if so, whatever that turns out to be like, at least it won't be like how I grew up.
Thinking a lot about gender, because of not knowing what Hypo will be. (Still no one believes us. Not my mom, not the people at the daycare. "You're still not telling?") I'm going to be sad no matter what, I think half-facetiously. I don't want Hypo to be a girl, another tiny little scrap of human vulnerability in a world that hates girls. But I don't want Hypo to be a boy and then know for a fact that I'll never see a child of mine carry a child of her own*. And I must admit that I think girl and boy are the soft options and if Hypo turns out to be neither/or then they'll have it even tougher. I think I'd just like Hypo to continue existing in this blessedly gender-free state for as long as possible. Poor little one. Why on earth would I ultrasound Schroedinger's junk and end that state sooner than I had to?
Me, I'm still being unprecedentedly femme for me. Last pregnancy I would never have worn dresses, or leggings; this time around I am taking 100% advantage of my presentation gender's permission to basically wear pyjamas all day, i.e. leggings and tunics. Shit yes. Although I still have weird feelings about enjoying wearing makeup and such. D'you know, though, the Junebug is making me feel better about it? Because he gets such giggling joy out of wearing his Cars shirt or his doggie shirt or his trousers with the airplanes on them or his shoes with the fire trucks on them. Caring about what the things we wear look like seems surprisingly innate somehow.
-------
*Yes, I know maybe neither kid nor proto-kid will choose to have a kid at all, and that will genuinely be fine. But it will be weird to have half the options closed off already. And also, yes, a little sad. Having made the decision to reproduce, it's easy to emotionally go all the way and think that it would be nice for it to go on into the future.
