good morning, gorilla

Last night I dreamed (vivid, fever dreams) that the Junebug was not an actual human baby; I dreamed that we had adopted a baby gorilla. And I was looking at him, lying in his crib in his diaper, all furry, and thinking that right now he is adorable and everybody loves him but what is going to happen when he is a full-grown male gorilla? We won't be able to control him! Full-grown male gorillas are dangerous! He'll have been raised as a human, but he'll never be able to live alone - what happens when we're gone! And in the dream I was thinking that maybe I wanted to have a human baby of my own - but what would the Junebug think, would he think that we loved him any less, would he hate his sibling for being so different and being able to do stuff he'd never do?

Hello, my anxieties about having a special needs child!

(No reason as of now to think that the Junebug is special needs - but these things happen sometimes.)

It's really ugly how having a baby has forced me to confront some of my own -isms. I want my child to be able to walk, I want my child to be able to read! How different is that from saying "I want a child who is able to walk?" I think it's different? But maybe not that different. Argh. But I want all these things for him, I want his path to be easy! I guess it's just really important not to project disappointment on him for the harder paths that he may end up having to take in some way.