metaphortunate son (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
metaphortunate) wrote2012-07-02 09:05 pm
metaphortunate) wrote2012-07-02 09:05 pm
Entry tags:
d'oh
This is why I am pissed off at myself.
I said it. I said it to Mr. E. I said it to myself. I have said, "Self, we used to be a lazy person. There were entire days when we would lie around reading books and enjoying ourselves and go to bed feeling vaguely dissatisfied with not having accomplished anything. Those days are over. These days we get up in the morning and do chores and baby tend and work until we go to bed at night feeling despair over not having accomplished anything. We love playing with the baby. If we find ourselves sitting blankly on a chair reading the internet and ignoring the baby, that is a sign of something wrong. It is, in fact, a pretty good sign that we are coming down with something. We need to stop treating ourselves like a lazy person who needs to be bullied into things, because we are not that person anymore."
Furthermore, I love having this little guy. I regret nothing - except under one circumstance. When I am sick, I find myself having horrible feelings that this was a mistake. Sometimes this takes the form of worrying about how old I am and how it will be so sad for the Junebug to have such relatively old parents.
So yesterday, as I found myself miserable, wondering if we had made the right decision, exhausted, staring blankly at the floor while the Junebug played, what did I do? I decided that I was being fussy and lazy and that going for a three mile run would perk me up.
Yeah, by the time I got home I was dizzy with fever. Oh me, why so dumb sometimes?
I said it. I said it to Mr. E. I said it to myself. I have said, "Self, we used to be a lazy person. There were entire days when we would lie around reading books and enjoying ourselves and go to bed feeling vaguely dissatisfied with not having accomplished anything. Those days are over. These days we get up in the morning and do chores and baby tend and work until we go to bed at night feeling despair over not having accomplished anything. We love playing with the baby. If we find ourselves sitting blankly on a chair reading the internet and ignoring the baby, that is a sign of something wrong. It is, in fact, a pretty good sign that we are coming down with something. We need to stop treating ourselves like a lazy person who needs to be bullied into things, because we are not that person anymore."
Furthermore, I love having this little guy. I regret nothing - except under one circumstance. When I am sick, I find myself having horrible feelings that this was a mistake. Sometimes this takes the form of worrying about how old I am and how it will be so sad for the Junebug to have such relatively old parents.
So yesterday, as I found myself miserable, wondering if we had made the right decision, exhausted, staring blankly at the floor while the Junebug played, what did I do? I decided that I was being fussy and lazy and that going for a three mile run would perk me up.
Yeah, by the time I got home I was dizzy with fever. Oh me, why so dumb sometimes?
no subject
My paranoia-regret goes the other way. If I had waited until we weren't so poor, until we weren't so young, would we be better parents? Would we have been able to buy a house? Would we be more financially secure now? Would I be able to give my kids things that they haven't gotten because I can't afford it, like piano lessons and vacations and non-shitty cars and non-Target shoes? How am I going to help them through college if I don't have a home to borrow against? blah blah blah.
Which is not to say that we're both doing it wrong. You're doing great, and plugged ducts are vicious no matter how old you are, and oh, god, mastitis...
I just think it's hard not to second-guess yourself when you make huge decisions. And the cultural messages we get are crazy-conflicting and twist us all up.