arms race

[metaphortunate]

US: Please don't give the kids battery operated toys that make a lot of noise.

MR. E'S PARENTS: Here's a battery operated bus that makes loud engine and honking sounds and plays a jaunty little tune! Happy birthday, Rocket!

MR. E: Well, I was able to cut the battery lines, so that's fine, but maybe next time take the batteries out first? They never like the toy as much if it made noise at first and then stopped.

MOM: I got the Junebug one of those Audubon Society stuffed birds that play a tinny recording of an authentic bird call! It's a seagull. Also the batteries are internal and there's no way to access them. And I've already given it to him and he loves it. Your move, bitch.

ME: Hey, that was a real good try. But I think you forgot that your own mother taught me how to sew. I just opened a seam, took out the noisemaker, and sewed it back up as good as new. I even gave him the noisemaker for an outside toy only, how you like that?

MOM: I'm gonna buy them a piano.

ME: No.

Comments

[jae]

This even happens when all you have is cats! To wit: the DREADED CHIRPY BALL, a present from my parents. (At least your kids aren't totally nocturnal?)

-J

[rosefox]

Being able to perform jinglectomies on stuffed toys is an essential skill of parenthood. Of course, now I have to figure out what to do with these noisemaker things. Freecycle them for someone making stuffed toys, maybe...

[metaphortunate]

And so the cycle begins anew!

[rosefox]

Someone somewhere must like the damn things!

[cyprinella]

Someone with pets maybe?

[metaphortunate]

See first comment! (Spoiler: no! :)

Harimad here

[(Anonymous)]

Maybe the ones who like it are parents who want revenge for all the times their kids were rotten stinkers.

Re: Harimad here

[metaphortunate]

Oh, for sure. I know I hope to someday take my own revenge! Pay it forward, right?

Re: Harimad here (I'm still Harimad)

[(Anonymous)]

Absolutely.

[ellen_fremedon]

When I was about five, my mother's stepmother gave me this set of toy marching band instruments. My parents wondered for years what they had done to piss her off.

[xiphias]

I LOVED that toy when I got it as a kid!

... hunh. Now that I think of it, I think it became a "toy you can keep at Nana and Papa's house to be sure you have things to play with when you're with them!" Never really noticed that before...

Harimad here

[(Anonymous)]

Perfect.

[kate_nepveu]

So, so sorry.

[emceeaich]

Oh dear, it's an arms race! :)

[metaphortunate]

It ain't a scene, that's for sure!

[veejane]

Just to let you know, one time a coworker of mine was giving me a ride in her car, and I was in the back next to the booster seat for her then-7-year-old. As we cleared things from the seat for me to actually be able to sit down, I had the great joy of handing her what looked like a green dildo, but was actually a life-size plastic pickle.

A TALKING pickle. Apparently her 7-year-old could not get enough of it. She couldn't remember how it had come into their lives, but she was yea ready for it to depart.

So. Be prepared. It goes on well after the toddler years are over.

[metaphortunate]

I have a friend whose preschooler has a fart gun.

It is, of course, her most beloved toy.

[black_pearl]

We keep the accordion out of reach.

[metaphortunate]

For some reason the battery powered things are worse, to me. Maybe because you at least have to put some effort into it to torture an accordion.