I love, I love

[metaphortunate]

I now understand all those stupid mother-in-law jokes, and all the grim women on DWIL Nation talking about their husbands' unhealthy entanglements with their mothers. Which is not to say that I think I have an unhealthy entanglement with my kids. I think my relationship with my kids is healthy and wonderful, for kids of the ages of four and not quite two. Which is to say, we have a massive crush on each other.

I wish there were a word in English like "sensual" or "physical pleasure" that didn't carry the connotation of wanting to bone. I don't want to bone my kids. But my pleasure in them is absolutely physical and sensual, and so is theirs in me. They love being picked up and carried. I've been a adult too long; the idea of a giant scooping me up and carrying me away for its own frequently incomprehensible reasons is not at all reassuring to me. But it is to them. I love kissing them, burying my face in their little tummies, tucking them under my chin; they cling to me, crawl under me and on top of me, demand horsey rides up the stairs. I could seriously be happy just touching my cheek to Rocket's petal-soft round little cheek all day. This is physical love. I have a crush. And they have one right back. Rocket has reached the "MY scooter! MY ball!" two-year-old stage a few months early, which is not adorable, except for when he spends the entire time I'm pulling together dinner saying "MY mama!" and crashing into me for a hug. Heating up leftovers has never been so sweet.

And I can see that it's going to sting like hell when I become, as is natural, a sort of backdrop for their real emotional life, which will be played out with their cohort. That's what should happen! They will need to focus on the present and the future, not the past! I hope they will find love which sustains and feeds them, someday, NOT from me and Mr. E, but...

...breaking up is gonna be hard to do.

Gotta keep it in mind, though, because the crush danger, the poly trap where the Disney chemicals from your crush make you ignore your long-term partner, the one who's there for you, but you've been together for a while, and they're not the shiny new thing anymore…the danger is real. The kids are borrowed, for a while. Mr. E is mine if I can keep him. Gotta pay attention.

ETA:

Or maybe it won't be as bad as all that. Last night Rocket was in his room NOT calling "Mama;" go ahead & silently, TO YOURSELF, judge me as a child abuser or whatever, but I know my kid and I know that he needs to sleep and if I go in there he won't sleep, he'll want to play, and if I go in and leave hell sob at the betrayal. So sometimes he just calls out "Mama," quietly, to himself, a few times before he falls asleep.

But not last night. Last night he called out one of his little friends' names. Three syllables, crystal clear. And my feeling was: "Sweet! SHE can come over and get him to go to sleep, then."

Comments

[cahn]

ahahaha, I'm not the only one who can't look away from the trainwreck reads DWIL Nation! If it's good for nothing else, it makes me feel better about my relationship with D, because some of those marriages, man.

But gosh I think about this a lot when playing with my adorable baby who, like you say, has a massive crush on me and I do on him, and I love that he's so snuggly! and he goos and coos at me and looks and looks at me... I think about how D loves his parents a lot, but he talks to them maybe once every other week, when they call him or I nag him to do so (it's not that he doesn't want to, but he just forgets he hasn't talked to them in a while), and he has a hard time figuring out what to say even then. That, I think, is gonna be really hard.

(But on the other hand, I'm not gonna miss waking up twice a night to a crying baby. So there's that.)

[spuffyduds]

Yes! Littluns are SUCH a SENSUAL PLEASURE, which is really hard to talk about without people looking at you really funny.

[moominmolly]

Ah gah every little bit of this.

[thistleingrey]

Heh for the added bit. Yeah, lately I've been reproached by my child for not being her friend, and I had to bite back my first response ("If you wet the bed at 3 a.m., your friends will not come").

[pantryslut]

It is fortunate, perhaps, that eventually the hardcore snuggling becomes actually physically awkward (at least if your child/ren are ALL LIMBS like mine are), as it allows for a natural and gradual transition. Otherwise my kids would probably still sit in my lap basically every waking moment, and I probably wouldn't mind much.