parent advice: playing favorites

[metaphortunate]

Alas. I fear it can no longer be denied. After two blessed years of the Junebug being equally fond of both parents, dammit, he has decided to pick a favorite.

I am personally convinced that this is sheer fuckery motivated by the desire to demand that the 7.5-month pregnant woman be the one to haul his nearly 30-lb butt up the stairs several times a day, despite the presence nearby of a perfectly good daddy, plus obviously my enormous and fragile belly is the one he needs to jump on during weekend mornings when we get to laze about in bed for a few minutes. But it's no fun for Mr. E either; as he says, how come you get the cuddles and I get to unclog the toilet?

Have y'all dealt with this? Has it been temporary? Has it switched back and forth? Any advice?

Comments

[princessofgeeks]

Does he know about the baby? Is he wanting reassurance?

Also, I do think this happens. It does switch back and forth. IMHO, don't hesitate to pack him off with dad alone sometimes. It will do everyone good.

Sending you good thoughts (I am the married mother of two boys, both teens now.)

[metaphortunate]

Thanks. :)

He actually spends more time total on his own with Mr. E than on his own with me, due to work schedules. They've always been close. And they still are, it's just that he's demanding that Mama push stroller (no) and Mama carry up stairs (no) and I'm getting more hugs and so on. :/

[cahn]

I wonder if, a little, it's because the Junebug spends more time with Mr. E. My husband has almost always been E's favorite, but recently I've had to work a lot, and she's been spending more time with her dad, and suddenly I'm the new favorite...

We've dealt with her clear preference for daddy, but the fact that I do most of the childcare, by using "special daddy time" as a motivating force. Yes, you have to clean up toys and have bath and brush teeth and change into pajamas with mommy, who is not your first choice (D is usually working during that time)... but once you do that, you get special daddy time! (Usually fifteen minutes spent at the computer -- D has little math/geometry animations that he likes to show E.) But not until you do all those things with mommy.

(We also, when she's being obnoxious, just kind of insist on the parent. Yes, you're kicking and screaming for Daddy. Too bad, it's Mommy who's more convenient, kiddo, and you just have to suck it up. Or vice versa, though I think that's only happened once.)

But we haven't dealt with the second-kid issue, so I think we've had it easy -- I have no idea how she'd handle that.

[princessofgeeks]

Hang in there.

As someone said to me, when they are toddlers, the days are long and the years are short.

[metaphortunate]

Hah. Good way to put it.

[jae]

I have no advice, but it seems relevant to mention that this is also happening to our local friends and their almost-four-year-old: Mommy (who is eight months pregnant) is suddenly very obviously the favourite. They think it's about the impending sibling.

-J

[metaphortunate]

Argh. Very possibly it is.

[lovepeaceohana]

I don't remember whether Lu did this when I was pregnant with his brother, but I think he very probably did. I think it may be less about the sibling-as-person, though, and more that stuff is changing in a very big and noticeable way, and also that as the pregnant person you're noticeably changing (i.e. not picking him up as often, etc.) so part of his behavior is very likely just trying to get reassurance.

That said our kids do still go through cycles of which parent is the favorite. This is ... difficult, but I'm pretty sure it's a normal thing for kids to do. Since it hasn't come down to them explicitly saying things like "I like Mama/Daddy better!" we basically ignore it where possible and reasonable and tag-team everything else. ("I thought you wanted me to brush your teeth? No? Okay I'll go get Daddy.")

[metaphortunate]

Yeah, probably. I was saying over on the LJ side, the non-physically-demanding things which I am still happy to do are, probably not coincidentally, the things for which he is least likely to request me. Either of us can read books! He wants me to carry him up the stairs. >:/

[norah]

Since our parenting has never been equal I have always been the favorite. R is about 50/50 these days but A is still all Mommy all the time.

[loligo]

I have been the favorite since day one for both of the kids. Favorite like either one of them would be in the kitchen with Dad, and would walk clear to the other side of the house to find me and ask me for a drink of water. I have no idea what's up with that, because they have an awesome dad and they get along great with him, they just want me to do ALL THE CARE-TAKING. I guess it's gratifying, in a way, but also tiresome.

[metaphortunate]

Yes, it is not great to be the favorite OR not the favorite! BE MORE EGALITARIAN, CHILD.

[serene]

Have y'all dealt with this? Has it been temporary? Has it switched back and forth? Any advice?

Yes, yes, yes, and hang in there. :-)

[snippy]

I am in so much pain reading this but I want to share my experience as a cautionary tale. My firstborn loved his dad best from about age 6 months on, and still does. He blames me for everything that has ever gone wrong in his life and claims I have never loved him. He stopped nursing at about 10 months because he'd rather have a bottle from his dad than be with me. He blames me for decisions his dad made. When he was 14 he moved in with his dad (we divorced when he was 9). He's 27 and still prefers his dad to me. Or maybe he's so mentally wound up about trying to get his dad to treat him with love and respect that he's still trying.

The pediatrician. when he was little, told me it was because he felt secure in my love but to get his dad's attention; this actually made sense, as his dad was and still is a self-centered user who has manipulated our son over and over.

Just like with any stranger, you can have a bad personality match with your child. I hope that doesn't happen in your family.

[lovepeaceohana]

I am so sorry that you've experienced this. How awful ;-;

[metaphortunate]

Oh man, that's terrible. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with that.

I know about bad personality matches; I'm not a particularly good personality match with anyone in my immediate biofamily, and yes we've all had to live with the consequences of that. I can't say it started at 6 months though. That sounds very painful.

[jrtom]

It totally changes, and often for no readily apparent reason. Mostly there isn't a particularly obvious preference, though. When there is, it can depend on what they want at a given time (e.g., Mommy is more about art--which they really enjoy--and Papa is more about playing computer games with them--which they also enjoy, but differently).

[metaphortunate]

Yeah, I think it's easing up - this evening when the Junebug heard the front door open, he yelled "Dada!" and ran out of the kitchen to go hug Mr. E. That made us all very happy. :)

[dancingsinging]

I don't have any advice or anything, but *hugs*. I'm glad it's getting better. :)