things my parents did right #1

[metaphortunate]

I complain about my folks a lot. I should note also that I think there were a lot of things they did right. I think in fact that they were much better at being parents to children than they are at being parents to adults, a fact that gives me pause as I think about the Junebug growing up. It turns out you have to keep being good at this stuff. :/

Anyway, I wanted to spend some time thinking about things I think they did right. Because I want to do those things myself, when the time comes.

In no particular order. For no particular reason, this is one that occurred to me today.

My mom and I got into many, many furious conflicts of "You WILL [wear this/clean this/go here/say this/do this]!" - "NO I WON'T!", as children or teenagers and their parents do. And she would get very angry. But often - I remember this clearly - as we reached our impasse, she would stare at me for a while, and eventually from looking angry her face would shift into a more ambiguous, possibly almost slightly pleased or satisfied expression. And she would say, "Well I just hope that you are as stubborn when other people try to pressure you into doing things, that's all!"

And, you know, I was. And really I think that it was partly due to her explicitly drawing that connection for me, that if I didn't let her talk me into things, why should I let anyone else talk me into things? I know I was less likely to be talked into things than other kids I knew. I remember a number of occasions when I stubbornly resisted doing things that I really didn't think I should, even though it inconvenienced or irritated my friends - including things like accepting a ride from someone who had been drinking - and somewhere in the back of my mind was the thought, yeah, this is what stubbornness is for.

Comments

[wild_irises]

I really really love this post, and it makes me feel different about your mother.

I may have said this to you, but I think parenting is the single hardest thing that people do. I like to rephrase "it's not rocket science" or "it's not brain surgery" as "it's not parenting." And one of the things that makes it so hard is the moving target nature, where whatever worked yesterday has a chance of being completely wrong today.

[metaphortunate]

YES MOVING TARGET YES.

Also, yeah. They did a lot of things right! And I should pay more attention to those! Partly I guess because it's not really fair that my friends have an even more negative view of my parents than they deserve; but more because I should really take advantage of all the good that I had in my parenting role models. And it was there. And I'm going to need it!

[cahn]

Oh, I really like this -- I'm in the same situation with my parents, where I feel like I spend a lot of time complaining about things they (well, my mom, mostly, who was much more the involved parent) did wrong and not as much the things they did right (although they did a lot of things right as well).

But yeah -- watching my mom interact with E as E grows older, I think Mom was probably a great baby-parent and got less skilled as we grew up, for much the same reasons (control freak is actually a good thing for babies, not so much with adolescents). It's a little frightening that traits that can make one good at one part of this parenting job can actively hinder other parts of it, bah. (I think I'm great with toddlers, terrible with babies, and I might or might not be terrible with adolescents, I'm really not sure yet. Guess I'll find out.)

I really like that stubbornness story. I actually worry about E a little -- if you tell her not to do something, she generally won't (I mean, she may throw a tantrum, but she'll obey you). This makes parenting her very much easier right now, but I worry that she'll be susceptible to getting talked into things; I know that I got talked into things when I was in high school that I regret now (nothing major, but still). Something to watch, anyway...

[metaphortunate]

Yes, it's very frightening! I feel like I was better at mothering the Junebug as a baby, actually, and I am screwing up more as he marches into toddlerhood screaming "NOOO!" at everything and pushing me away. I really don't like it and I don't always respond well. It's hard and he deserves better than to have me always annoyed with him, it worries me. :(

[dancingsinging]

Um, from what I've seen when I've been with you guys, you're very patient with frustrating toddler behavior and you keep your humor about you and you love him so fucking much. I think you're doing a great job and he's so very, very lucky.

Just sayin'

[metaphortunate]

Thank you thank you thank you. It means a lot. Especially from someone who's been there! And who I also totally think is a great mom.

[dancingsinging]

Thanks for saying so. I was feeling kind of crappy today because, well a lot of things, but the parenty thing was that I had this moment where I was trying to feel appreciation for my baby existing and just couldn't really find it. It was kind of a horrible moment. (But it has passed. I again feel so fortunate and glad that baby exists.)

[dancingsinging]

This is an awesome anecdote! Thanks for sharing.