I wish I was a honey badger

[metaphortunate]

Sometimes I wonder whether feeling bad about myself just about all the time is like the teind my brain feels the need to pay to Society for the fact that I do whatever the hell I want to just about all the time. It's like, as a mother I should be spending all my time playing educational games with the Junebug to develop his little brain and body and promote proper socialization or whatever, plus researching preschools, plus sanitizing all his toys, plus eating absolutely as healthy as possible because of nursing, plus going to bed early so I can be emotionally resilient and present for my child in the morning, plus gazing lovingly into his little eyes while nursing instead of dicking around on my phone. And as a professional I should be all caught up on submitting my experience reports for licensure and studying for my licensing exams, not to mention volunteering for overtime. And as a wife I should be making sure that Mr. E and I have alone time and real conversations when we have the chance. And as a friend I should be making more time to see my friends, and call them, not to mention I should not abandon hradzka in the middle of interesting online conversations. And as a feminist I should be reading the Marq'ssan Cycle or watching incredibly depressing movies like Osama that Raise Awareness but ideally would also be directed by women so that I could support Women in Hollywood. And as a functional adult I should have my budget all sorted out and know immediately how much money is coming in and how much money is going out and where to and I should be maxing out my retirement etc. and making the smartest possible financial choices. And also my house should be clean and things should not just live in heaps in the bedroom and living room. And as a fan I should be finishing the fanworks I have started. And as a nerd I should care more about things like robots and Maker Faire and I should like to design mechanical things and I should have far more cool and productive hobbies, ideally involving math in some way. And as a person with a stake in the future of my country and of the world I should be working on ways to lobby the government or possibly Occupying something somewhere.

But as me, I do some of these things, maybe, sometimes, in a haphazard and half-assed way, and instead I spend my time on the web, on Twitter, on this ridiculously moribund journaling site; I spend it reading completely socially unredeeming novels like Georgette Heyer; I spend it window shopping, I spend it sleeping when Mr. E will take the baby, I spend it on fic, I spend it drawing goofy jokes, I spend it looking at fashion blogs! I spend it kissing the baby, but also trying to get him to play with a toy by himself so I can have fifteen minutes to clear out my closet. I spend it watering my sad-ass plants and hoping they'll do better come spring. IDK. I enjoy the things I choose to do! But I feel awful about choosing to do them pretty much all the time. It's like, as long as I feel bad about not being a successful nurturing productive socially responsible member of society, that at least is something I can do that I'm supposed to be doing?

Comments

[laurashapiro]

It's the trap. If you're a mother, there's no choice that's right. You can do everything for your kid and then you're neglecting yourself and over-parenting and unsexy and raising a spoiled brat. You can split your time between your kid and yourself and your other responsibilities, and then you're a bad mother because don'tchaknow you SHOULD be prioritizing your kid all the time, no matter what? And of course your house should be immaculate and your meals should be balanced and timely, and meanwhile you should support your community and volunteer for noble causes and and and...

No one can do it all. The trick is to turn away from the voices of doom, shame, and guilt, and cope the best you can.

[wild_irises]

So true. Also, with slightly different wording true of graduate students, people with demanding jobs, caregivers, activists, and probably more groups I can't think of.