I wish I was a honey badger

[metaphortunate]

Sometimes I wonder whether feeling bad about myself just about all the time is like the teind my brain feels the need to pay to Society for the fact that I do whatever the hell I want to just about all the time. It's like, as a mother I should be spending all my time playing educational games with the Junebug to develop his little brain and body and promote proper socialization or whatever, plus researching preschools, plus sanitizing all his toys, plus eating absolutely as healthy as possible because of nursing, plus going to bed early so I can be emotionally resilient and present for my child in the morning, plus gazing lovingly into his little eyes while nursing instead of dicking around on my phone. And as a professional I should be all caught up on submitting my experience reports for licensure and studying for my licensing exams, not to mention volunteering for overtime. And as a wife I should be making sure that Mr. E and I have alone time and real conversations when we have the chance. And as a friend I should be making more time to see my friends, and call them, not to mention I should not abandon hradzka in the middle of interesting online conversations. And as a feminist I should be reading the Marq'ssan Cycle or watching incredibly depressing movies like Osama that Raise Awareness but ideally would also be directed by women so that I could support Women in Hollywood. And as a functional adult I should have my budget all sorted out and know immediately how much money is coming in and how much money is going out and where to and I should be maxing out my retirement etc. and making the smartest possible financial choices. And also my house should be clean and things should not just live in heaps in the bedroom and living room. And as a fan I should be finishing the fanworks I have started. And as a nerd I should care more about things like robots and Maker Faire and I should like to design mechanical things and I should have far more cool and productive hobbies, ideally involving math in some way. And as a person with a stake in the future of my country and of the world I should be working on ways to lobby the government or possibly Occupying something somewhere.

But as me, I do some of these things, maybe, sometimes, in a haphazard and half-assed way, and instead I spend my time on the web, on Twitter, on this ridiculously moribund journaling site; I spend it reading completely socially unredeeming novels like Georgette Heyer; I spend it window shopping, I spend it sleeping when Mr. E will take the baby, I spend it on fic, I spend it drawing goofy jokes, I spend it looking at fashion blogs! I spend it kissing the baby, but also trying to get him to play with a toy by himself so I can have fifteen minutes to clear out my closet. I spend it watering my sad-ass plants and hoping they'll do better come spring. IDK. I enjoy the things I choose to do! But I feel awful about choosing to do them pretty much all the time. It's like, as long as I feel bad about not being a successful nurturing productive socially responsible member of society, that at least is something I can do that I'm supposed to be doing?

Comments

[amaebi]

Oh, how right you are that the socially acceptable thing for women in North America is to Feel Bad. Ah, the lip-licking conversations I've heard among groups of women about the Golden Programs they are undertaking, or about to undertake, or should undertake Not Doing it Perfectly, or Haven't Started Yet, or Know They'll Cheat.

(Why do I distinguish myself from these conversations? Because in my late teens or early twenties I noticed the form and decided that it was boring and went nowhere, and that I wouldn't be participating.)

Personally, I think our human finiteness is a gift. I'd hate to be under the illusion that I'm responsible for much about the state of the world today or at any time-- though I do keep trying to use my traction productively.

May today bring you moments like drops of clear honey, in which you are just where you are.

[metaphortunate]

Yep. You are definitely supposed to feel bad, because it makes you easier to control.

[laurashapiro]

It's the trap. If you're a mother, there's no choice that's right. You can do everything for your kid and then you're neglecting yourself and over-parenting and unsexy and raising a spoiled brat. You can split your time between your kid and yourself and your other responsibilities, and then you're a bad mother because don'tchaknow you SHOULD be prioritizing your kid all the time, no matter what? And of course your house should be immaculate and your meals should be balanced and timely, and meanwhile you should support your community and volunteer for noble causes and and and...

No one can do it all. The trick is to turn away from the voices of doom, shame, and guilt, and cope the best you can.

[wild_irises]

So true. Also, with slightly different wording true of graduate students, people with demanding jobs, caregivers, activists, and probably more groups I can't think of.

[wild_irises]

I'm not going to engage with the content of this post, because I would only be sententious and you know it all. Instead, I'm just going to say, "Harrumph! Georgette Heyre absolutely has social redeeming value."

[metaphortunate]

Really? What is it? (Besides "women can so be funny so SUCK IT HITCHENS." That may in itself be enough, honestly.)

[wild_irises]

I think Heyer was an enormously astute social observer, not at Austen's level, but honestly (as an observer) not so far below. I think she is busily engaged in telling us what people are like, and making them funny without making them caricatures (most of the time).

And I genuinely believe that deep analysis of people, however presented, is socially redeeming.

See, I managed to be sententious anyway. :-)

I think it was Jean Kerr

[commodorified]

Who turned that around and said the great consolation she had had in juggling kids and books was that when she was feeling discouraged about the books she could say to herself "but they are very nice children" and when she was feeling discouraged about the children she could say "but they are pretty good books".

Re: I think it was Jean Kerr

[metaphortunate]

haha I love that!

[dancingsinging]

I got no solution to the larger struggle you're addressing; I'm facing it, too. But about the baby thing--I think maybe there's a possibility that it's /good/ for the kid to be left alone on the floor to learn about moving their body and sensing stuff and all that infant development. It seems like when you give 'em a toy or two and plunk 'em down, your action is like a vote of confidence in their own ability to figure stuff out. Probably super good for the little tykes' self-esteem. Maybe even if you have to sorta train them to deal with hanging out on their own.

Right now, as I'm gearing up for another round of parenting an infant, I'm trying to sort out how much leaving the kid to play by itself is healthy and helpful. I'm pretty sure I unnecessarily stressed myself out the first time around (even when she was playing happily on her own, I'd start to worry about Attachment and force myself to go over and bug her). But I also am trying really hard to set things up so I don't totally shaft the second one. I mean, second-hand toys and shoes are one thing, but a deficit of parental attention is another. Still, I'm hoping that I can figure out a plan ahead of time so that I don't end up slowly sinking into the numb, guilt-ridden wreck I was before.

[metaphortunate]

Remember, the key is finding the right balance between guilt and resentment!

My mom is trying to get me to worry about Attachment. I feel terrible about this but I am deliberately avoiding talking to her because I think she makes me a worse mother. Normally I'm not this vulnerable to outside influence but I think it's because I don't know what I am doing with this parenting thing. So she harasses me about feeding the baby too much and then I found myself putting off feeding him. And that's not okay. It's not okay for my kid to go hungry because my mom is fucking with my head. And I've been trying to get her to stop for easily twenty years, so that's not an option. So I am avoiding her. :( And trying not to worry about Attachment. I find that something that helps with that is reading about historical childcare solutions. Did you know that Jane Austen was dropped off at a farm from when she was three months old till she was old enough to be interesting? Shit like that wasn't uncommon! People grew up somehow.

A good friend of mine said that when she had her second child her husband just got drawn into childrearing a lot more because she was with the baby so he ended up spending more time with the older one. Baby still got attention. Win-win.

[dancingsinging]

I think I'm going to post that about guilt/resentment on my refrigerator! That's hilarious, because it's kinda true.

I'm glad you're cognizant of how your mom's "constructive criticism" is affecting your parenting adversely and just avoiding it. Imagine if you didn't have the self-awareness to notice!

BTW, the little dude is obviously very successfully Attached to you. I think you're doing plenty right and he's a happy little guy, so you can pat yourself on the back and go on with whatever you're doing.