more baby stuff

[metaphortunate]

My boobs got jetlagged. The Junebug eats more during the day than at night, right? Except there's nine hours between here & London. So last week I got way less than usual when I pumped during the day and then at night got distressingly full. Boob lag. It's not a thing you think of in advance.

I knew babies were born helpless, but I did not understand just how helpless. It's not even just that they can't control their limbs. When they're just born they don't even know how to have limbs. It freaks them the fuck out. Imagine having four intense sensory apparatuses that flail around semirandomly giving you uncontrollable unparseable information and hitting you in the face. So we swaddle them. The Junebug is learning, though. Should anyone ever ask him later in life if he's ever looked at his hands, I mean really looked at his hands? The answer is yes. He stares and stares at them and turns them around and flexes them. It's amazing. You can see the mind learning to use the waldoes.

Here is a thing where I am already doing what my mom does. I have finally managed to convince my mom that I don't want her to send me inspirational Powerpoint email forwards and won't open them if she does. This means that when she sends them to me, she includes the message that she knows I don't like them but she thought she would send it to me because it's really good and I can just delete it if I want to. Similarly, I know that the Junebug is still not into hugs or kisses. He doesn't dislike them, but they don't do anything for him. Which means that when I kiss him - and that happens a lot - there is a lot of baby talk along the lines of "Oh nooo! The baby is getting kissed again! Why are all these kisses happening to the baby!"

I realize that in fact I am teaching him that when he gets hugged and kissed he will think the thing to do is say "Oh noooo!"

It's weird, though, the consent thing. It weirds me out that he does not and indeed cannot consent to hugs and kisses, and I do them anyway. Same with diaper changes. Same with, well, everything in his life right now. And from the other end, yes I made the decision to breastfeed, and I can give him formula if I want to, but that's kind of academic; the reality is that when he cries I pull out the boobs even if I really don't feel like it.

Although he smiled when he was getting his tummy nibbled on this evening! Maybe we are Stockholming him into liking affection. Mwahahaha.

When we hold him up in the air and jiggle him around his face is the definition of :D it's great. It's not his purest smile. He has a smilier smile. The up-in-the-air face is a mouth wide open in disbelief that something so awesome is happening to him that he almost can't even process it. And for some reason it breaks my heart that it's so simple to make him happy. Why? That's not bad! Why does it make me feel like crying?

Sometimes I feel like I should do the things that I know would make me miserable because at least I know what would happen if I did them. Right now I have no idea what my choices are going to do to us.

Comments

[wild_irises]

I realize that in fact I am teaching him that when he gets hugged and kissed he will think the thing to do is say "Oh noooo!"

Nope. What you are teaching him, if anything at this stage, is that he gets hugged and kissed a lot and it makes mommy smile. At some point, he'll be old enough to either actively enjoy it or actively not enjoy it, and then what you teach him will matter.

One of the twins (you know which twins) loves to tell people to go away, or not be near her. One day when pokershaman and I came in for our mostly regular weekly visit she lay on the floor and screamed and kicked her heels about how she doesn't like us and doesn't want us there. We didn't leave, but we stayed away from her and didn't push ourselves on her, and in 10 minutes she was as friendly as ever. But she still orders me (and everyone, including apparently strangers on the street): "Don't sit there!" "Don't sing!" It's a balance. The part of it that's good for me is that I actually know she really likes and trusts me, and I don't get tweaked. The part of it that's hard for me is that I'm torn between going away to reinforce her agency and staying to reinforce my agency. I don't know what parts of it are hard and easy for her, but it sure looks like giving people orders is fun.

[metaphortunate]

Oh, I don't think he'll mean "Oh nooo!" Just that if I'm not careful I will teach him that those are the sounds that precede hugs.

Ooh, I am not looking forward to the bossy phase. I do not take well to bossiness from others and especially from male others. I hope that I do well at remembering that he's just a baby and keeping my temper.

[dancingsinging]

You know, I used to worry a ton about what bad thing I might be teaching Munchkin. But I wasn't really realizing how much agency she'd have so soon, to figure stuff out and think for herself. Example: I used to clap my hands with her and chant "turn green!" repeatedly when we were waiting at red lights. It kept her entertained and I liked the idea that she could believe in magic when she's young. But I also super worried that it would seriously confuse her and disturb her sense of reality. Just today (maybe two years later) she started doing it on her own. After the light changed, she said, "It worked!" then she laughed and said, "Not really. I think it's just automatic." I couldn't believe at how much I used to stress about the whole stimulus/response learning. But I think that there's so much reality around and just a little bit of Mommy fucking with it, so they figure stuff out after all.

Also! I used to feel super weird about diaper changes because of the consent thing, too! I was like, I'm swabbing this baby's genitals while she protests--how is this not sexual abuse? But you can't leave 'em in a dirty diaper! I was all stressed about it. Then a friend of mine who is an MFT pointed out to me that people--even tiny babies--can totally pick up on intent, and that I wasn't going to harm her because I was obviously diapering in love with non-creepy intentions. I'm not sure why, but that helped.

Also, also! I don't think you have to worry too much about the bossy phase. What I see kids that age totally needing (and often not getting) are clear, respectful boundaries (e.g. You can play that game, but all us adults here at the party are going to continue our conversation instead of letting you dictate what we're going to do or say in your game). And you're super good at clear, respectful boundaries. You'll be great with that part!

[metaphortunate]

Hee. Your kid is smart!

Thank you for the vote of confidence. It seriously helps. Awright. We're gonna do this!