metaphortunate | more baby stuff

Crossposts: http://metaphortunate.livejournal.com/10652.html

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more baby stuff

My boobs got jetlagged. The Junebug eats more during the day than at night, right? Except there's nine hours between here & London. So last week I got way less than usual when I pumped during the day and then at night got distressingly full. Boob lag. It's not a thing you think of in advance.

I knew babies were born helpless, but I did not understand just how helpless. It's not even just that they can't control their limbs. When they're just born they don't even know how to have limbs. It freaks them the fuck out. Imagine having four intense sensory apparatuses that flail around semirandomly giving you uncontrollable unparseable information and hitting you in the face. So we swaddle them. The Junebug is learning, though. Should anyone ever ask him later in life if he's ever looked at his hands, I mean really looked at his hands? The answer is yes. He stares and stares at them and turns them around and flexes them. It's amazing. You can see the mind learning to use the waldoes.

Here is a thing where I am already doing what my mom does. I have finally managed to convince my mom that I don't want her to send me inspirational Powerpoint email forwards and won't open them if she does. This means that when she sends them to me, she includes the message that she knows I don't like them but she thought she would send it to me because it's really good and I can just delete it if I want to. Similarly, I know that the Junebug is still not into hugs or kisses. He doesn't dislike them, but they don't do anything for him. Which means that when I kiss him - and that happens a lot - there is a lot of baby talk along the lines of "Oh nooo! The baby is getting kissed again! Why are all these kisses happening to the baby!"

I realize that in fact I am teaching him that when he gets hugged and kissed he will think the thing to do is say "Oh noooo!"

It's weird, though, the consent thing. It weirds me out that he does not and indeed cannot consent to hugs and kisses, and I do them anyway. Same with diaper changes. Same with, well, everything in his life right now. And from the other end, yes I made the decision to breastfeed, and I can give him formula if I want to, but that's kind of academic; the reality is that when he cries I pull out the boobs even if I really don't feel like it.

Although he smiled when he was getting his tummy nibbled on this evening! Maybe we are Stockholming him into liking affection. Mwahahaha.

When we hold him up in the air and jiggle him around his face is the definition of :D it's great. It's not his purest smile. He has a smilier smile. The up-in-the-air face is a mouth wide open in disbelief that something so awesome is happening to him that he almost can't even process it. And for some reason it breaks my heart that it's so simple to make him happy. Why? That's not bad! Why does it make me feel like crying?

Sometimes I feel like I should do the things that I know would make me miserable because at least I know what would happen if I did them. Right now I have no idea what my choices are going to do to us.

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I was myself raised by people who are not particularly physically affectionate; I could not help being extremely physically affectionate with my kids (my uncle once said, after my then-six-month-old daughter and I had been sitting on a restaurant patio having lunch with family, "Sara, if you kiss that baby's head any more all her hair's going to fall off!" I hadn't even consciously realized I was doing it. People who have only seen me around the kids assume I am a touchy-feely person. Um. Not so much.)

My kids, as they get older? MUCH more physically affectionate with each other, me, their friends, their teachers...basically, they don't do the flinching and cringing thing that I still do! They're just much, much more comfortable with their bodies. It's really delightful. I hope they're able to keep that level of comfort as they hit adolescence.

And for some reason it breaks my heart that it's so simple to make him happy. Why? That's not bad! Why does it make me feel like crying?

Because someday you won't be able to make him happy so easily. The world will come along and hurt him, and you can't fix it, and it stabs you to the heart. This is an aunt speaking -- it's even harder for parents.

I think that's part of it. And part of it is also - if it's so easy, why don't we spend ALL our time doing it? Answer: we can't, because we need to do other stuff, like clean the house, and go to work, and also even take time for ourselves, and also he needs to do other stuff, like tummy time. But still.

That's not bad! Why does it make me feel like crying?

Because it is so ephemeral. He's changing so much, so fast, that his first day feels like eons ago and the baby you love more than anything right now will be gone forever by tomorrow. But it'll be okay. Because tomorrow you'll have tomorrow's baby.

Oh well great, this I did cry about. Because you're right. Where did my tiny monkey go? With his little infinitely patient wizened monkey face bobbling on his tiny neck when he was being burped? Now we have this huge fat baby whom I adore, and I love having him! But still. My tiny monkey is gone forever.

I realize that in fact I am teaching him that when he gets hugged and kissed he will think the thing to do is say "Oh noooo!"

Nope. What you are teaching him, if anything at this stage, is that he gets hugged and kissed a lot and it makes mommy smile. At some point, he'll be old enough to either actively enjoy it or actively not enjoy it, and then what you teach him will matter.

One of the twins (you know which twins) loves to tell people to go away, or not be near her. One day when

pokershaman and I came in for our mostly regular weekly visit she lay on the floor and screamed and kicked her heels about how she doesn't like us and doesn't want us there. We didn't leave, but we stayed away from her and didn't push ourselves on her, and in 10 minutes she was as friendly as ever. But she still orders me (and everyone, including apparently strangers on the street): "Don't sit there!" "Don't sing!" It's a balance. The part of it that's good for me is that I actually know she really likes and trusts me, and I don't get tweaked. The part of it that's hard for me is that I'm torn between going away to reinforce her agency and staying to reinforce my agency. I don't know what parts of it are hard and easy for her, but it sure looks like giving people orders is fun.

Oh, I don't think he'll mean "Oh nooo!" Just that if I'm not careful I will teach him that those are the sounds that precede hugs.

Ooh, I am not looking forward to the bossy phase. I do not take well to bossiness from others and especially from male others. I hope that I do well at remembering that he's just a baby and keeping my temper.

You know, I used to worry a ton about what bad thing I might be teaching Munchkin. But I wasn't really realizing how much agency she'd have so soon, to figure stuff out and think for herself. Example: I used to clap my hands with her and chant "turn green!" repeatedly when we were waiting at red lights. It kept her entertained and I liked the idea that she could believe in magic when she's young. But I also super worried that it would seriously confuse her and disturb her sense of reality. Just today (maybe two years later) she started doing it on her own. After the light changed, she said, "It worked!" then she laughed and said, "Not really. I think it's just automatic." I couldn't believe at how much I used to stress about the whole stimulus/response learning. But I think that there's so much reality around and just a little bit of Mommy fucking with it, so they figure stuff out after all.

Also! I used to feel super weird about diaper changes because of the consent thing, too! I was like, I'm swabbing this baby's genitals while she protests--how is this not sexual abuse? But you can't leave 'em in a dirty diaper! I was all stressed about it. Then a friend of mine who is an MFT pointed out to me that people--even tiny babies--can totally pick up on intent, and that I wasn't going to harm her because I was obviously diapering in love with non-creepy intentions. I'm not sure why, but that helped.

Also, also! I don't think you have to worry too much about the bossy phase. What I see kids that age totally needing (and often not getting) are clear, respectful boundaries (e.g. You can play that game, but all us adults here at the party are going to continue our conversation instead of letting you dictate what we're going to do or say in your game). And you're super good at clear, respectful boundaries. You'll be great with that part!

Hee. Your kid is smart!

Thank you for the vote of confidence. It seriously helps. Awright. We're gonna do this!

My partner wrote something in his novel that helped me understand crying: "When I was in high school the space shuttle Columbia disintegrated over my head while my dad was driving me to school. We heard about it on the radio, and I cried and cried. A few weeks later, when they decommissioned the other shuttles, I didn't cry because I didn't watch the video, but I knew I would have. Crying isn't sadness; it happens because an emotion is too big for your body. Emotions about space have always been too big for me."

Thank you for sharing the baby stuff with us. I am childless and do not know whether I will always be so, and this helps.

Yeah, that's definitely part of it. Too big emotions!

When Sadie was an infant, she would cry at many things (as infants do), including kisses. My brother and SIL would smile and say "Oh no! It burns, it burns!" because she would get that upset about anything- she'd get upset when she was hungry and she'd get upset when she was fed ("The milk burns!") and she'd get upset when she needed a diaper change, and she'd get upset when she had her diaper changed.

Being a baby is just upsetting. Having had a few more years to make observations, there isn't necessarily any strong correlation between what makes babies get upset and what they actually dislike- I think that wiring may take a while to work itself out. Sometimes they get upset because they were surprised, or because they really liked something and they don't know what to do with that, or just because it's hard to be a baby. I think 'get upset' is just sort of a default setting for a while, until some of the more complex response and control programs manage to boot up.

One thing that's great is watching him figure out whether to be upset. Sudden loud noise? He checks us out. If we look scared or upset - WAAAAAAAH. If Mama and Daddy are laughing? It's funny! The next time that same loud noise happens it might be funny!

He used to get scared & upset when we sneezed. Now apparently it's hilarious.

Awesome! Another battle won in advance.

(We've tried to do some of that too, to avoid this.)

Yeah, although I know I will err on the side of drama sometimes, & that's okay too. Like harimad was saying on the LJ side about being extra careful about trying not to screw up her kids around food issues because they're girls, I think about being extra careful about invalidating the Junebug's emotions because he's a boy (and boys are supposed to be tough!)

This was a valuable lesson for us during the falling-down-a-lot phase. Boompsie! Baby fell down. Hahaha! Get up again baby.

All the other mommies at the playground thought I was a heartless monster that did not coo over minor injuries. But dramatastic crying is something I do not enjoy.

I think the weird feelings about them growing up are hard to explain. When they were tiny, we used to lie on our backs and hold them up to dance on our tummies. Now we would be holding their hips! Where did I put the baby? On the other hand, that same organism can do long division and ask social justice questions about cats getting the vote.

We referred to Baz as The Tiny Libertarian. Carseats oppressed his autonomy! As did jackets, pants, diapers, hats, safety straps, slings, and being held. The Man was holding him back from his true naked state!

Where did I put the baby?

Oh god even just reading this made the Junebug have to suffer through several extra hugs and kisses. I hope you're happy.

Although yes, I do love every new thing he can do! He can laugh! He can grab things! He is starting to be able to balance on his butt a little bit! I am so looking forward to being able to talk to him someday!

Hee, Tiny Libertarian. :) The Junebug does not seem to mind clothing but oh man, what that reminds me of is before he was born, how he spent like four months trying to punch his way out. Sometimes I think he's so mellow just cause he's happy to be out here where there are interesting things to look at.

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