therapy

[metaphortunate]

Today I plan to talk to my therapist about happiness.

My kids often make me happy. My husband often makes me happy. My problem is that I have realized that I love it when my kids or my husband make me happy; but whenever anything else makes me happy - and there are a shitload of things in the world that could make me happy: gardening, seeing friends, reading books quietly by myself, opera, masturbation, new clothes, massage, rock concerts, a haircut, taking the time to write a post like this: I feel guilty. Because I am taking time and/or energy and/or money that should be spent either on the kids or on Mr. E or on sleep or exercise so that I can be more physically and emotionally able to be a good partner and mother. Seriously: being happy feels like stealing.

And then I wonder WHY I'M NOT HAPPY VERY MUCH.

I am looking forward to hearing what she has to say. hradzka, you would love the shit out of my therapist. Couple weeks ago I brought up some money stress that I've been having: there's this, but then there's that, here's how Mr. E and I are doing stuff, but I might want to change because this other thing, blah blah blah.

She listened carefully to everything I said, then said, "Sounds like you guys need to set up a new bank account. Because then this thing, and this other thing."

I said, "Yeah, that would solve this problem…but ehhh, we haven't done it because awkward, and these feelings, and I have these other feelings."

And she was like "Okay, but your feelings are dumb and boring. What would fix the problem is if you addressed it, like by setting up a new bank account."

And the thing is, because I have been crazy for so long, my feelings ARE dumb and boring! Even I am sick of dealing with them! Of course she did not actually say anything so hurtful. But she was clearly uninterested in noodling around in my ~feelings~ for ages and instead was very clear about the benefits of addressing the problem with an idea for a solution.

Which I did not want to do, because money is hard to talk about. But the great thing about a therapist, as opposed to a self-help book or something like that, is that I could not face going back to her and admitting that yeah, you and I talked about a solution, but I could not bring it up and prefer to remain stressed out about money. Couldn't do it. Instead I sucked it up and talk to Mr. E and we have come up with a solution that we like for now: it is not the same one that my therapist came up with, it is one that works for us better, but we would not have done it if she hadn't given me the kick in the butt.

And I feel better.

Comments

[rightkindofme.livejournal.com]

In my view, therapists don't have the answers. They have a useful way of helping us look at our problems from new and potentially more useful angles so we can find our own answers.

I'm glad you found a solution that works for you. :)

[laurashapiro]

It breaks my heart to hear that you feel guilty when you do things for yourself. Also fills with rage, because that's the fucking patriarchy talking: you're a wife and mother first and everything else is selfish, says the system that wants to keep you in line. But mostly broken-hearted for you, because you're my friend and you deserve ALL the joy you can get from life.

[metaphortunate]

Yes, of course: and then I also feel weak and pathetic, because I've been a feminist basically since birth, and I still can't stop the patriarchy getting to me! It's a never-ending carousel of brainweasels!

[laurashapiro]

Totally! Because none of our choices are ever right, and we face criticism (from others, but also from ourselves) whatever we do, because there is no way to be good and a woman.

It SUCKS, is what I'm saying.

[veek]

"A never-ending carousel of brainweasels" may have to be my new LJ tag line.

[jesse_the_k]

Here's the icon to go with it

[wild_irises]

I completely love it that a) your therapist can tell you your feelings are dull and boring, and b) you can be glad to hear it.

I hope she has some practical suggestions about happiness, because, well, happiness!

[metaphortunate]

Well me too! Because the reason is, I am already surrounded by people who care about my feelings and think they are important. My feelings are already validated in my life, so I don't especially need my therapist to do that. Which is great, and I can focus on getting the different perspective and the cognitive tools from her.

It's the opposite of this one therapist I saw once back when I was struggling in grad school & trying to find some help. I gave her the brief story of me and my current problem, and her response was that it sounded like I had a lot of issues with my mother.

Me: yes, well obviously I have had issues with my mother since roughly age ten, but the problem I am looking for help with is NOT since age ten, it is from the last couple years, and I would like to focus on tools to work on that because if I don't get some help with it I am not going to graduate.

Her: no, I really think we need to explore the fundamental source of your problems.

Me: okay, I really think I need to explore therapists with a different sense of priorities.

[tiger_spot]

I'm glad your current therapist is working well! They do seem to vary a lot.

[cahn]

I totally do this too (doing feelings instead of actually fixing things), and I don't understand why I do it. Not necessarily with money, but, like, when I was having so much trouble breastfeeding with E the obvious solution was to call the lactation consultant. I had the number! I had all the encouragement in the world, everyone (my doctor, E's ped, my family) was telling me to do it! And for some reason I would not do it, because conflicting feeeeelings about breastfeeding and having a new baby blah blah blah. (Finally D pushed me into it. And yeah, I felt much better.)

[laurajv]

My therapist is like this in a lot of ways. It was super-useful when I started having OCD symptoms, because the intrusive thoughts were so distressing, and all I wanted to do was witter about how terrible they were, bloo bloo, and she was like "yep. OCD does that. normal to be distressed by it. how about if when they happen you do X?"

[kate_nepveu]

I am glad this is working for you.

[loligo]

but whenever anything else makes me happy - and there are a shitload of things in the world that could make me happy: gardening, seeing friends, reading books quietly by myself, opera, masturbation, new clothes, massage, rock concerts, a haircut, taking the time to write a post like this: I feel guilty. Because I am taking time and/or energy and/or money that should be spent either on the kids or on Mr. E or on sleep or exercise so that I can be more physically and emotionally able to be a good partner and mother. Seriously: being happy feels like stealing.

Oh man, I have so been there. And then I got sick and I didn't even have time & energy for stuff that made me happy even if I'd been willing to go for it. That sucked even worse. But now I'm feeling better! And I've already announced my plans to quit one time-sucking obligation in a few months, to make more time for fun. Because now that I'm feeling well enough to enjoy fun, I WANT TO HAVE IT.

And she was like "Okay, but your feelings are dumb and boring. What would fix the problem is if you addressed it, like by setting up a new bank account."

I'm glad you are happy with her! Different strokes -- I dumped my therapist a couple years ago because she wasn't taking my feelings seriously enough.

[princessofgeeks]

Therapists can be SUCH a great backstop. Good luck to you.

[dancingsinging]

I feel like seeing you in person was this awesome heroin high and now I am drubbing about in the dw methodone. (I am having spelling issues but ignoring them because kid-free time so rare.) But I love to read this little peek inside your thoughts. Yay improving financial stress. Yay therapist who is more interested in your happiness than your feelings!

[metaphortunate]

Aww, that is so sweet of you to say! Especially since I often suspect that I am actually a better experience online. I can edit! And I never drink too much and threaten to throw my phone across the room. I swear I thought I had matured out of that kind of behavior.

Anyway, it was delightful to see you in person and I also always love seeing you here and there around the internet, rare though I know those sightings must be!