the pleasure and pain of 50 shades

[metaphortunate]

As you probably know, the 50 Shades of Grey movie came out recently.

Delightful: the explosion of men impotently railing "This isn't sexy! Why would anyone think this was sexy! It's awful! It's terrible! Stop finding it sexy!"


(drawn by floccinaucinihilipilificationa; thanks, kate_nepveu!)

Incidentally, have you noticed? Sometimes things that are just not that well written become hugely popular among men, or majority men. Star Wars, for example. Then there is an enormous collective effort to figure out what's appealing about it: explosions, special effects, the Hero's Journey, etc. And sometimes things that are just not that well written become hugely popular among women. Then there is an enormous collective effort to explain what's wrong with women for liking it.

Irritating as all fuck: all the earnest BDSMers finger-wagging about how dangerous it is that this story has fallen into the hands of women who Know Not The Truth About BDSM.

Y'all. It is a fantasy. Fan. Ta. Sy. I've got a copy of The Topping Book and Dossie Easton cheerfully writes about helping a guy figure out how to play out his fantasy of literally skinning his lover. You've read Doc and Fluff - you know, groundbreaking BDSM classic? About healthy safe and sane relationships, is it? Fuck's sake, stop freaking out because women are doing some homosocial bonding over fantasizing about a hot toppy billionaire.

(The famous tampon scene? The "ewww, why would anyone want to read that?" scene? Yes. In a world where girls don't want to let guys go down on them because they think they're "gross", let us wonder what on earth women might find appealing about a book with a scene in which a man is so comfortable with and completely not grossed out at all by a woman's normal bodily functions that it doesn't kill the mood for him to take out her tampon. It may remain forever a mystery.)

Comments

[lovepeaceohana]

some of the responses to stuff like @50shadesofabuse seems to indicate that there are some people receiving it as "this is how consent is supposed to work in RL BDSM".

Like, admittedly, a huge part of my reaction to the series is defensiveness based on "but oh god this is such terrible pr for bdsm" but I'd like to think that a larger part is along the same lines of worry as you mention because that leaves those people particularly vulnerable to abuse (which ... there's a lot of "if it's abuse, it's not kink!" that goes on, and I understand that impulse, but the truer truth is that abusers are in every community and you can't just define them out of existence). But like you I'm increasingly wondering how large of a problem this actually may come to be, and I take metaphortunate's stance to be that this concerned policing of women's fantasies is just ... doing patriarchy's work for it. (Please correct me if I'm putting words in your mouth, ok? I'm parsing, but I do want to get it right!)

[lederhosen]

Yeah, I certainly don't want to say "this never happens in real BDSM" because it does (give or take the 24-year-old billionaire). Just that it's unhealthy when it happens that way without being wrapped in a layer of "we agree to this particular NC stalker fantasy".

Maybe the solution here is to focus more on "this is how RL consent and non-stalkery relationships differ from 50SoG, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy it as fantasy" rather than criticising 50SoG for the things it doesn't teach? I'm not sure, still trying to work this stuff out.