from hell's heart, I stab at thee

[metaphortunate]

Did I do right?

The Junebug came home from daycare the other day with the story of how his friend* Prince** had kicked him when they were lining up to go out to outdoor play. He said it had hurt. That he hadn't seen it coming, that it had come by surprise. That the teachers hadn't noticed or hadn't interfered. Which seems legit, because the teachers tell us about incidents of fighting, and no one told me about that one.

At his daycare they teach the kids to say "No!" and block the other kids with their hands if they try to push or hit or bite. He said that he said "No!" but that Prince kicked him anyway.

I asked what he did. He said he had cried. He said he thought he'd cry till I came.

(That small dry snapping sound you just heard was my heart breaking in half.)

(I should note for the record that when I actually did come to pick him up he was laughing and running around outside, totally non-traumatized, and that he told me the story without seeming to suffer any emotional pain in the retelling.)

I said that Prince should not kick him. People shouldn't hurt each other.

I pointed out that if Prince keeps hurting him (and Prince did bite him the next day, hard enough to leave a mark; and also pinched him, according to the Junebug; and the teachers did tell me about that one) then he should think about whether he wants to play with him anymore, or whether it would be better to play with other kids.

(Note for the record that the Junebug had grabbed Prince's puzzle pieces right before Prince bit him. We talked about how that's not the right way to play with someone else too.)

I generalized from that that if we hurt our friends, then they won't want to be our friends anymore; so he should not hurt other kids.

I told him that if Prince tries to hurt him again, he shouldn't just say "No!"; he should yell it as loud as he can. That way the teachers won't be able to ignore it. I told him that was the one time it was okay to use his outside voice inside. We practiced yelling "No!" as loud as we could, outside. He's, uh. He's naturally gifted in that area. He can produce a very loud "No!" We'll practice some more.

I told him that he must never kick anyone smaller than him, or who can't defend themself. Like, he must never kick babies; he must never kick Rocket.

I told him that he must never kick anyone first. (Visions of Han Solo dancing in my head.)

And then I told him that if someone kicks him again, and he screams "No!" and they don't stop, and the teachers don't help…to kick them back.

Did I do right?

I feel like you should never tell your kids to hurt another kid! It seems wrong! But I could not think of what else to tell him. Kids are gonna fight. Kids are gonna attack each other. I know my parents told me never to hurt anyone else. It seems like the right thing to say. But in reality I remember that I just took that to mean that my parents were completely out of touch with anything like my reality and there was no point in asking them for advice. "Just ignore them," my ass. "Just walk away," yeah sure I'm going to teach people that they can kick me out of any space by lifting a finger. That'll give me a peaceful time in the future, no doubt. My. Ass.

And there is no way in hell I'm going to tell him to tell a teacher. Yeah yeah, in an ideal world that's the way it would work; if there were people in charge of enforcing the social contract in a space, you could report violations to them and they would take care of it. Back to childhood reality: it's social suicide among the kids AND the teachers. Nobody, not even the supposed social contract enforcers, likes, or listens to, a tattletale.

So….what do you tell them? I'm serious. I'm officially asking for advice. If you have a solution that's worked for you, I want to hear it.

I think I did wrong. But I don't know how to do better.

------------------------------

*Yes, friend; one of the two kids he plays with all the time.

**Not his real name.

Comments

[lovepeaceohana]

if one of them started dealing with conflict using violence

I don't think that's what we're talking about, though. We're talking about self-defense: what to do when, if you've already told them to stop, or already tried to get away, and neither of those has worked, AND there is not an adult to hand. There's a difference between that and "dealing with conflict using violence," which to me reads more like "punching this kid for saying something mean, or disagreeing with me."

You're obviously entitled to determine whether you would continue providing care for a child who's been authorized to use force; it's just not clear to me that this particular comment of yours is addressing the same situation.

I teach them that if another kid is being violent, they back away out of that space and use their words. If that's not working, they get the adult's attention, and the kid who was being violent gets consequences, and the victim gets their space back

This, this is closer to what I think is under discussion - violence is first met with attempts at de-escalation and disengagement, and only becomes self-defense if there isn't an adult to hand. This is a bigger problem when you've got, say, twenty or twenty-five kindergarteners to a teacher, because adult attention and intervention is harder to come by. I'm not just gonna tell my kids to let themselves get beat up, you know?

[jedusaur]

Kids that age suck balls at making that kind of distinction, especially in the moment. When they get kicked, all they're going to remember is the "it's okay to kick back" part, not all the conditions under which that rule applies. I do think it makes sense to fight back if you legit cannot get away, but I also think that under those circumstances kids will fight back regardless of whether it's sanctioned by adults. (Boys will, anyway. This gets trickier with girls.)

[lovepeaceohana]

I don't disagree with any of that.