gimme some sugar

[metaphortunate]

Last week was a hard week. Traffic gets worse as it gets later, and it takes us longer to get home, so I've arranged my schedule so that I only need to pick the kids up lateish from daycare one day a week. Except that last week, for various reasons, it was four days. So we were getting home late, having a long exhausting commute, eating dinner late, going to bed late, still getting up early. And one late afternoon, having already picked up Rocket and carrying him on my front, and my backpack with all his gear and milk and so on on my back, I was trudging up the stairs on my way to get the Junebug. And I love the Junebug, I do. But I got passed by one of his little classmates' mothers, and I saw little A. beyond the glass doors jumping up and down and waving at her mother, and just for a second, I had this momentary passionate wish that I were on my way to pick up a kid who was going to be happy to see me. Instead of what the Junebug does, which is see me, shriek, and run away, sometimes hiding.

It's not that he doesn't like me - I swear. It's honestly for a very good reason, which is that the last thing of the day is outdoor free play, which he adores, and he loves his daycare, and whenever I pick him up he is busy playing legos or digging sand or playing doggie with his friends or something like that. And I am there to interrupt his game, take him away from his friends, make him use the potty and then make him go commute. So he's not happy to see me.

It's also just his personality, though. He's always been this way. Remember "oh no! Why are all these smooches happening to the baby?" Then we had Rocket, and I was shocked to discover that some babies kiss you back! Rocket loves snuggles and kisses! The Junebug would rather eat a bug! That is just the way he is, and I do a lot of gritting my teeth and remembering that I need to love my kid for who he is, not who I want him to be, and accepting that he expresses affection with headbutts and asking us to pretend to be "stingrazors" with him. (Stingrays. But I must admit that his version is cooler.)

FUCK, though, this week my mom is here, and she is not at all on board with this accepting people for who they are. She thinks the lack of hugs is my fault, because apparently I haven't taught him how to show affection. I.e. I say "You don't have to hug if you don't want to." And I thought that she was coming to spend time with the kids? But she hasn't volunteered to keep either of them home from daycare with her any days, and finally Mr. E and I said why doesn't the Junebug stay with her tomorrow and they can go to the zoo, but this afternoon she was saying that if he doesn't like her anymore (i.e., won't accept hugs) maybe she shouldn't. So, fuck, I don't know. How much of this is her sulking because the Junebug doesn't hug, and how much of this is because we suggested it and there's her thing where she would donate both her kidneys plus her liver to me as long as I don't ask but if I ask for anything then I'm being difficult and she doesn't want to do it.

Fuuuuuuck. Hey, guess what? Rocket has his first sign! Guess what it is?

Yeah, he shakes his head "no". Way to live up to the stereotype, kid. Still. Exciting!

Comments

[cahn]

just for a second, I had this momentary passionate wish that I were on my way to pick up a kid who was going to be happy to see me.

Oh man this is my life right here. Adding insult to injury, E is always incredibly happy to see her dad! (Though she's a lot more affectionate than she used to be, which was not at all. The fact that she will hug me when she is trying to get out of having to go to bed is progress!)

Ugh, moms. We have the same thing where E doesn't like to give hugs and I encourage her not to hug people if she doesn't want to, and then my mom sulks at both of us. UGH. And sometimes with the extra side of emotional manipulation, yay. Seriously, saying she's not going to the zoo with grandson because he won't hug her, and accusing him of not liking her? ARGH. And, sadly, I can totally see my mom saying that.

I guess neither my parents nor D's parents have ever kept E home from daycare when they visit? Both of E's grandmothers are kind of getting frailer physically, though, so that obviously changes the calculus.

[metaphortunate]

It honestly makes me feel a lot better to be reminded that I'm not the only one ever with a non-huggy kid. Thank you!

And, encouragement: tonight, the Junebug also wanted to snuggle when trying to get out of having to go to sleep! Baby steps! :)

In the end they went to the zoo together and had a great time. Natural affection won out over dramatics, so YAY.

And yeah, the physical frailty, this is a thing that makes me really sad about how long I waited to have kids. The grands are just OLD. And it's unfair that Mr. E's parents, there are two of them, whereas my mom is on her own, so it's harder for her to cope with the kids. It changed a lot when we had Rocket; she is okay hanging out with just one, but two is hard. I mean, it's hard for me even, and I'm not in my 70s.

She did stay with them last night though, and Mr. E and I got to go out and see friends. It was glorious!

[pantryslut]

April can be a non-huggy kid sometimes. Although at least in my case I think she just prefers to initiate the contact, so teaching her to ask for a hug when she wanted one was a big help, and I also get a lot of "hi, I just dumped myself in your lap, I hope you don't mind" moments. But if she could headbutt everybody instead? Awesome. High-fives instead of hugs and kisses were also an instant hit.

[metaphortunate]

I do spend a lot of time being a jungle gym.

[thefourthvine]

I salute you for doing the hard work of respecting your child's boundaries and loving him for who he is. And I'm sorry your mom has never done and apparently will never do that work for you or your kids. That sucks.

[metaphortunate]

It is SUCH HARD WORK sometimes and he is only 3. I worry about what this says about me. How much am I gonna struggle when he's 15 and wants to play football?

But I guess the good news is that I'm getting really obvious feedback that not doing the work wouldn't feel any better.

[rmc28]

I give the most enormous eyeroll at your mum's sulking. Enormous cheers to you for boundaries and respecting your children setting them and letting them be who they are not who is most convenient to you.

All the amusement for your Rocket's first sign :-)

[amaebi]

Total and enthusiastic seconding.

[kate_nepveu]

Ugh, that's all hard. I'm sorry.