metaphortunate | How To Eat Foods, by Rocket, aged 2/3

1) Is someone trying to put something in your mouth? Stop them. They’re not the boss of your mouth. Grab whatever it is, especially if it’s greasy, drippy or sticky.

2) Huh, that looks okay. All right, open mouth. Shove it in there.

3) DO NOT SWALLOW. That’s what they want you to do. Just shove it all in there. Be like the noble hamster. You don’t know what a hamster is, but somewhere in your soul is hamster ambition. Maybe you were a hamster in a past life. You are hamsterous. Is there more food? There is! Find it all. Shove it all in your mouth.

4) Now look vaguely worried and periodically make little retching motions. Do not, under any circumstances, swallow. Keep packing in the food.

5) If you run out of room in your mouth, tuck the food in between your chins for safekeeping.

6) If you run out of room in your chins, hide it in your pants. Knock it onto the floor. Just make sure your parents can’t find it, at least until they step on it barefoot.

7) DO NOT SWALLOW. Occasionally, if you feel your parents are becoming complacent, barf up a half a cup of milk or so. Do NOT allow any of the food to escape. Be the hamster you want to see in the world.

8) When your parents finally freak out and dig three pieces of bacon and half a strawberry out of your mouth, on the changing table, fifteen minutes later, cry and cry. Those were your slimy, half-decomposed pieces of bacon! You might have swallowed them later, if you felt like it! You’ve been robbed! Those cheating parents.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I hear you, Rocket. Food is a conspiracy by the MAN. -- the earthling, aged 0 to 6 (and counting)

I like Rocket's forward-looking attitude. He's not looking backward to pine for the warm fjords of All Breast Milk, not he....

Forward in hamsterdom!