rains but it pours! !!!

[metaphortunate]

Okay, this is why parenting is terrifying.

Elodie Glass lays out 85% of interpersonal problems ever:



For the non-image-enabled: basically, if you don't like a thing that someone does, and you have already asked them to stop, and they don't stop, you can either live with it or peace out. You cannot make them stop doing the thing.

Except when you're parenting, you HAVE TO. YOU HAVE TO. All the time! Like, you HAVE to teach them not to shit their pants, and you have to keep them from setting the cat on fire, and so on. You can't just live with them shitting their pants forever, and you can't go away from them. You have to repeat "ask them not to do the thing" like one million times, and then move on to

bribe them with M&Ms? -> Do they still do the thing?
showers -> Do they still do the thing?
time outs -> Do they still do the thing?
loss of privileges -> Do they still do the thing?
cute underwear with Elmo on it -> Do they still do the thing?
long term bribery -> Do they still do the thing?
long explanations -> Do they still do the thing?
????????? -> Do they still do the thing?

CAN'T YOU JUST MAKE THEM NOT DO THE THING? No! You cannot - there is nothing on the chart that leads to "make them stop doing the thing!" And yet WE HAVE TO. We are literally off the chart of human interaction here! strange geometries surround us - losing san points as we speak…

-------

AND ROCKET HAS A TINY LITTLE POINTY THING IN HIS MOUTH. What even is this week, oh my God!

Comments

[loligo]

I am printing out that chart and taking it to work.

(Also, parenting helped me realize that I never want to have a job where supervising other staff is part of the gig, for exactly the reasons you explain here. I mean, at least you can fire employees if they keep doing the thing, but that's hard.)

[veejane]

I was going to say, for values of "peace out" that are "look frantically for an alternate job". Or, you know, pursue a union grievance, sue, etc.

My recent experience has involved the techniques of "managing up", i.e. using tools of emotional manipulation to endeavor the cessation of That Thing in bosses. If only M&Ms worked well! They are much less hassle than flattery, anger, and public shaming.

(FWIW, the bosses who need to change the most will change the least, but classical and operant conditioning techniques work as well on them as on anyone. The trick is to get buy-in from ALL your colleagues, and enforce it consistently, or it all falls apart.)

[metaphortunate]

I am starting to wonder whether the use of M&M bribery in the workplace has been adequately explored.

[brooksmoses]

Right now there is the inverse thing. Can't we just make Morgan go to sleep?

No, we cannot. And yet. Argh.

[wild_irises]

It might--or might not--help to remember that that chart of human interaction is about this time, place, and social cohort, and even though it seems true to you and me, it's not universal.

[metaphortunate]

Well, yeah, but the alternatives are also problematic! I mean, you can beat people until they do what you want, but.

[ironed_orchid]

I was about to be all OMG!CHOKING!HAZARD! until I realised that you meant a tooth. Which is possibly worse from the point of view of "can I fix this?"

[metaphortunate]

No no, if my child has an actual choking hazard in his mouth, I will cope with it, not post to the internet! That is my promise to you!

[wordweaverlynn]

I am laughing so hard right now, but it's not actually amusing. Have shared chart elsenet.

[kate_nepveu]

Oh gosh. Sympathies. And yes, why can't we just make them not do the thing?!?!

(SK's final phase of toilet training was basically us giving up in despair and putting her back into pullups until she was ready to have her bowel movements on the toilet. Which took the advent of summer camp and the requirement that she be trained so she could go in the big pool with her friends, and then overnight she was fine. I hated it.)

And teething too, gosh! Hope there's no biting.

[metaphortunate]

So far there is much chomping on the fingers, but *cross fingers* not on the boob yet.

[lovepeaceohana]

Shared this with Beau, because yes, we have 99 problems and this is, like, 98 of them. It's the single most infuriating thing about parenting because it's not like "stop doing the thing" is an irrational, arbitrary request when the thing is something like "stop throwing yourselves headfirst off the couch" and "don't hit" and "actually no you can't eat an entire bag of cotton candy all by yourself." Or, alternatively, "actually yes, you do need to try and use the toilet, it's been twelve hours!!"

I had for some reason assumed that being straightforward with the kids about the things that we actually needed them to do would bring them around to seeing why the thing needed doing or not doing. Surely, I thought, the only reason why children threw tantrums and were hideously disobedient was due to some clashing of expectations or capricious and injudicious use of parental authority! Surely if I only ever have them do things that are necessary, and give them their own heads in the choices that can truly be theirs, they'll see that I'm fair and will trust enough to follow my lead!

AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAASOB

[metaphortunate]

This actually makes me feel much better about the fact that I did not go into parenting with those assumptions. I assumed they would be vortexes of insanity disguised as adorable little angels, and I have not been disappointed!