bad things will happen (but not right now)

[metaphortunate]

Look, kid. I don't like you and you don't like me. But we're stuck with each other for at least the next eight years*. So let's try to compromise and work together to get through this as easily as possible.

…no, no, no. Of course I don't say that to the Junebug, for a million reasons, and the fact that it wouldn't work even a little bit is of course the least of those reasons. What is real, though, is that the bit where I was his favorite parent has ended. Remember back when I was like nine months pregnant and it was tears if daddy insisted on carrying him up the stairs instead of mama? Yeah those days are long gone. These days, if I come to the door of his room - not actually IN his room - to ask what he wants for breakfast, he sobs so hard he goes fetal. "Don't come, Mama!"

I have extremely mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, of course……ouch. On the other hand…you mean I have to spend more time with the Flumpy Baby of Squishy Adorableness, and Mr. E has to do more coping with the Twoddler** of Whyyyy and Don't Wipe Me and But NO!? Uh…oh no, Br'er Fox, that sounds terrible. ¬__¬

The chill out project has been, uh, tested this week. Man, I know that an extremely privileged life doesn't mean that shit never happens, it means that you have the resources to cope with what life throws at you. I was trying to remind myself of that when I was standing outside of a closing daycare with two kids, staring at the big empty backseat of the car where I forgot to put the carseat back, with the Junebug unceasingly asking me "Why you forget the carseat, Mama? Why?" We did get home, though, and the car didn't even get towed or anything. And I have been doing a lot of thinking about this poem:

Relax
by Ellen Bass

Bad things are going to happen.
Your tomatoes will grow a fungus
and your cat will get run over.
Someone will leave the bag with the ice cream
melting in the car and throw
your blue cashmere sweater in the drier.
Your husband will sleep
with a girl your daughter’s age, her breasts spilling
out of her blouse. Or your wife
will remember she’s a lesbian
and leave you for the woman next door. The other cat -
the one you never really liked - will contract a disease
that requires you to pry open its feverish mouth
every four hours. Your parents will die.
No matter how many vitamins you take,
how much Pilates, you’ll lose your keys,
your hair and your memory. If your daughter
doesn’t plug her heart
into every live socket she passes,
you’ll come home to find your son has emptied
the refrigerator, dragged it to the curb,
and called the used appliance store for a pick up–drug money.
There’s a Buddhist story of a woman chased by a tiger.
When she comes to a cliff, she sees a sturdy vine
and climbs half way down. But there’s also a tiger below.
And two mice–one white, one black–scurry out
and begin to gnaw at the vine. At this point
she notices a wild strawberry growing from a crevice.
She looks up, down, at the mice.
Then she eats the strawberry.
So here’s the view, the breeze, the pulse
in your throat. Your wallet will be stolen, you’ll get fat,
slip on the bathroom tiles of a foreign hotel
and crack your hip. You’ll be lonely.
Oh taste how sweet and tart
the red juice is, how the tiny seeds
crunch between your teeth.

I know about the tigers, I know about the cliff, I know about the mice. But I am trying to notice the moments when they are all in the future, and what I have, right now, just in the present, is a momentary strawberry. A moment when I'm driving alone and I see the eucalyptus trees in the fog. A moment when I'm playing with Rocket and he's beaming. A moment when the kids are both asleep and Mr. E is hugging me. These good moments.


----------------------
*I think ten is the earliest you can go to boarding school

**Perfect word invented by veek

Comments

[kate_nepveu]

Oh my god the repeated questions of toddlerdom. They're grating even when they're not pointing out your mistakes!

Sorry about the mixed feelings about the Junebug. I sympathize.

[metaphortunate]

I started saying "Why do you think?" but he's been answering "Because I like to", and now I'm wondering if he thinks I'm asking him why he thinks.

[khedron]

I suspect I made the mistake of saying that ("because I like it") once. Oh, boy.

[metaphortunate]

But sometimes that's the answer!

[amaebi]

We never reached Sheeyun being the favourite parent.

When Chun Woo was about three and he and I were appointed in Rock Springs, Wyoming while Sheeyun continued to live and work in Aurora, Colorado, Chun Woo briefly thought he wanted oppah instead of me. But when present Sheeyun has never been favoured over me.

It's sad.

[metaphortunate]

Yeah, I'm definitely glad Mr. E is getting a chance. Sorry, Sheeyun. It's a mixed blessing if that helps!

[snippy]

Aw, you seem to be handling it well.