metaphortunate son (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
metaphortunate) wrote2014-02-03 09:35 pm
metaphortunate) wrote2014-02-03 09:35 pm
Entry tags:
to-do list
No doubt you've seen that article going around about Why Mom's Time is Different From Dad's Time. I was thinking about that, and about why it is that, like, almost every goddamn woman I know is in therapy. And the men, by and large, aren't.
And then a friend of mine posted that link on FB, and commented,
And I'm thinking:
When her husband does all he can, that's all he can do. That's just the way it is.
When she does all she can, it will never be as much as the people in her life deserve, she will always be letting someone down.
Is this why we're all in fucking therapy? Because I have to say: fuck that, fuck that, fuck it fuck it fuck it I am putting that idea down like the filth it is. FUCK. IT.
From that article:
Coincidentally, I had actually noticed that precise thing in myself the weekend before that article came out. I had pointed it out to Mr. E: that I am having a hard time enjoying the moments when things are good, because I am constantly feeling that they are about to blow up. Rocket is about to start crying. The Junebug is about to hit him with a spoon. It seems like a quiet afternoon, but Christ we'd better do like 15 loads of laundry if we want the kids to have clean clothes for Monday and if we want that to happen in time for a decent bedtime we have to start now.
Which is true….and it isn't. The thing about the laundry? Totally true. The thing about the Junebug hitting Rocket with a spoon? Not true at all. He never has. Never even tried. The thing about Rocket being about to start crying? Well, probably - I mean, babies cry, yes! But is it worth stressing about before it happens? Probably not, because babies cry, and we will deal with it when it happens! So, I think I am stressing too much!
So I am trying something different. I am trying to deliberately let go of that constant fight-or-flight vigilance that doesn't seem to help at all because I shouldn't be doing either. I am trying to notice and relax into the times when things are actually fine. I figure there are a few options:
1) It turns out that constant heightened stressed awareness is not necessary in order to maintain my mental tally of what needs to get done. If I let it go, there is no downside. Win!
2) It turns out that constant heightened stressed awareness really is necessary in order to maintain my mental tally of what needs to get done. If I let it go, things don't get done. They turn out to be relatively unimportant things. The house and our lives may get more disorganized, but we'll probably be happier overall. Qualified win!
3) It turns out that constant heightened stressed awareness really is necessary in order to maintain my mental tally of what needs to get done. If I let it go, things don't get done. They turn out to be important things. The kids suffer for it. Mr. E and I explicitly acknowledge that someone has to take on this constant heightened stressed awareness in order for these important things to get done, and it shouldn't be just me. We figure out how to share it. Win, at a cost, but win!
4) It turns out that constant heightened stressed awareness really is necessary in order to maintain my mental tally of what needs to get done. If I let it go, things don't get done. They turn out to be important things. The kids suffer for it. Mr. E and I explicitly acknowledge that someone has to take on this constant heightened stressed awareness in order for these important things to get done. We try to share it, but it turns out that it works best for just one person to maintain that tally. Whoever doesn't do it starts taking on more of other different tasks, so that the workload is more equal. Win!
I'll try to remember to let you know how it goes.
And then a friend of mine posted that link on FB, and commented,
"I'm here to tell you, though, that, despite my husband's *excellent* attentiveness and support, day and night, I don't think he could do any more to offset my emotional load.
...
What I do is all I can, and it will never be as much as my children, my husband, my friends and my clients deserve."
And I'm thinking:
When her husband does all he can, that's all he can do. That's just the way it is.
When she does all she can, it will never be as much as the people in her life deserve, she will always be letting someone down.
Is this why we're all in fucking therapy? Because I have to say: fuck that, fuck that, fuck it fuck it fuck it I am putting that idea down like the filth it is. FUCK. IT.
From that article:
Being compelled to divide and subdivide your time doesn't just compromise your productivity and lead to garden-variety discombobulation. It also creates a feeling of urgency—a sense that no matter how tranquil the moment, no matter how unpressured the circumstances, there's always a pot somewhere that's about to boil over.
Coincidentally, I had actually noticed that precise thing in myself the weekend before that article came out. I had pointed it out to Mr. E: that I am having a hard time enjoying the moments when things are good, because I am constantly feeling that they are about to blow up. Rocket is about to start crying. The Junebug is about to hit him with a spoon. It seems like a quiet afternoon, but Christ we'd better do like 15 loads of laundry if we want the kids to have clean clothes for Monday and if we want that to happen in time for a decent bedtime we have to start now.
Which is true….and it isn't. The thing about the laundry? Totally true. The thing about the Junebug hitting Rocket with a spoon? Not true at all. He never has. Never even tried. The thing about Rocket being about to start crying? Well, probably - I mean, babies cry, yes! But is it worth stressing about before it happens? Probably not, because babies cry, and we will deal with it when it happens! So, I think I am stressing too much!
So I am trying something different. I am trying to deliberately let go of that constant fight-or-flight vigilance that doesn't seem to help at all because I shouldn't be doing either. I am trying to notice and relax into the times when things are actually fine. I figure there are a few options:
1) It turns out that constant heightened stressed awareness is not necessary in order to maintain my mental tally of what needs to get done. If I let it go, there is no downside. Win!
2) It turns out that constant heightened stressed awareness really is necessary in order to maintain my mental tally of what needs to get done. If I let it go, things don't get done. They turn out to be relatively unimportant things. The house and our lives may get more disorganized, but we'll probably be happier overall. Qualified win!
3) It turns out that constant heightened stressed awareness really is necessary in order to maintain my mental tally of what needs to get done. If I let it go, things don't get done. They turn out to be important things. The kids suffer for it. Mr. E and I explicitly acknowledge that someone has to take on this constant heightened stressed awareness in order for these important things to get done, and it shouldn't be just me. We figure out how to share it. Win, at a cost, but win!
4) It turns out that constant heightened stressed awareness really is necessary in order to maintain my mental tally of what needs to get done. If I let it go, things don't get done. They turn out to be important things. The kids suffer for it. Mr. E and I explicitly acknowledge that someone has to take on this constant heightened stressed awareness in order for these important things to get done. We try to share it, but it turns out that it works best for just one person to maintain that tally. Whoever doesn't do it starts taking on more of other different tasks, so that the workload is more equal. Win!
I'll try to remember to let you know how it goes.
no subject
What I've worked out about it is that he doesn't do hypothetical and is focussed on only one thing at a time, whereas I am constantly worrying about fifteen steps ahead over hordes of different things, some of which might not even happen. He thinks this is a waste of my time and energy because no-one is going to die over it. He does all the cooking but he sits down at lunchtime, decides what he is going to cook, goes shopping and cooks it. When I was doing the cooking, I planned a whole week in advance and went shopping once.
We've sort of ended up at (4) but it has been painful. The advantage of older children is that you can factor them into the people doing more of the other jobs part (the 12 year-old does all her own laundry now because I once lost a sock) but you have to factor in their different personalities too and I still don't know whether the anxious micro-managers or the laid back take-life-as-it-comes people ought to win.
I would just like the piles of clean laundry not to keep falling down the stairs and having to be washed all over again because the cat sat on them really.
no subject
I am a firm believer in that the person who is doing the thing is the one who must decide how to do the thing. Like, if that is how your husband prefers to cook, if he is happy to shop every day then that is his thing. But then that runs into the thing about how you don't want to look at non-cleared-away breakfast all day: that is a relevant fact too.
And yes, one thing I really like about working outside the home is that I spend all day in a place that I am not primarily responsible for keeping clean and that is not covered with baby crud.
The clean laundry is a constant roadblock for us as well. We have a machine to wash it, and even dry it, but no machine to fold it and sort it and put it away!