courage

[metaphortunate]

Well, I'm officially past my due date. Still waiting.

And it turns out I'm fucking terrified of labor. I hadn't really expected that, because I wasn't last time. In fact, I hadn't really realized it, until I discovered I was putting off going to bed, because when I do, I lie there in the dark and wonder if tonight will be the night the contractions start getting more intense, and silently freak the fuck out; and also, I noticed that I've been getting more and more freaked out about going to my prenatal appointments, until I was almost kind of lightheaded with fear as I walked into the last one, even though Mr. E got to go with me. Because that was how labor started last time: I went to a routine prenatal appointment, and they got very concerned faces, and then started throwing around words like "pre-eclampsia" and "seizure", and that segued smoothly into the worst weekend of my life.

When I told my mom I was pregnant with Hypo she kind of freaked out. I didn't. I had optimism for some reason, figured it had a good chance of all being fine. For the record, it is fine so far. Late in the pregnancy now and blood pressure remains normal for me, which is low in general. But I'm doing all my freaking out now. It's probably a good thing that I will not get much of a choice about when this baby comes out because otherwise there is a chance that I would end up internally dragging around a third grader.

But I don't have much of a choice. So I will have to be brave.

[This is where I would go find a Courage Wolf macro and include it, except that the last time I image Googled "Courage Wolf", which I did to try to psych myself up for something, I mostly got a whole lot of macros encouraging men to rape women. So I don't Google "Courage Wolf" anymore, because I am trying to integrate rosefox's excellent "Don't make yourself sad" dictum into my life. Thanks for simultaneously making everything possible and impossible, internets!]

So I've been thinking about courage lately, partly because of being pregnant and facing labor, partly because of thefourthvine's post about podfic permissions. Because so much of it was about anxiety and things that you could do to reduce your own or someone else's anxiety.

[Okay it is vital that I be REALLY REALLY CLEAR here that I am not, at any point in this post, at all telling anyone else what to do. This stuff started me thinking about ME and how I want MYSELF to behave. Maybe that's narcissism; I like to think of it as minding my own business.]

Now I'm totally in favor of reducing anxiety. I had really bad anxiety for a long time, as part of the classic anxiety-depression cocktail, and it just totally fucks with you in ways that are hard to explain or even believe if you've never dealt with it yourself. It makes everything so hard. I remember one particularly awful day when I spent I am not even going to tell you how long, because I am ashamed, trying to work up the nerve to leave the house and go to Walgreens. Chris Pureka wrote in "So it Goes": now just pouring a glass of water is like trying to move boulders with your breath.

That about sums it up. You're trying. Nothing's going anywhere. The tools you have are simply inadequate for the job.

And when I had that anxiety, trying to just sack up and power on through was worse than counterproductive. If I wanted to beat myself up about how something should be trivially easy and why couldn't I just do it, well that option was available to me all day long. If I wanted to actually get a thing done, then it was time to turn to options that would actually work, CBT techniques and the like. (Not that CBT. The other one. You perverts.) The key to getting things done when you have anxiety is absolutely to reduce the anxiety, to chip down the barrier to entry.

But I don't have that kind of anxiety anymore. (Thank you, Science!) Now I have fears, about things, especially social things, which annoy me, because I used to be considered a very brave person. I would certainly not consider myself that anymore. That bugs me. I think being brave was good. I think I had more fun. I would like to get back to being brave. And I'm not sure how. And I think at this point, reducing the anxiety is not the way, because the goal is not really to get the things done; things are already getting done. The goal is…hard to define, even. To change the way I feel about the things? What does it mean to be brave? How do you learn to be braver? What are you brave about? Are you brave?

Comments

[kittydesade]

I bring you a Courage Wolf from Network that does not involve the R word!

[metaphortunate]

I love it! Thank you! :D

[jelazakazone]

Here via network. Just wanted to say that I had some extreme fears around my second labor as well (first labor had me pushing for over three hours, but ended just fine -- just pushing for a long time, then separation from baby b/c hospital staff forgot (best spin here)). I had first child 6 days early, so went I went over that, I was freaking out and I called my doula and talked to her who assured me that my fears were not keeping the baby from coming out. (Not saying this is the case with you.)

Anyway, I don't know if any of this is helpful, but second child was born 4 days before my due date (or two -- can't remember any longer) and everything turned out great. I hope you have an amazing wonderful healing birth this time around. Just wanted to send you a positive birth story. Sending easy labor vibes.

[metaphortunate]

Aw, thank you. I really appreciate that!

[thistleingrey]

All best wishes for an easy, untroubling labor and delivery, whenever the baby decides to come out. I do remember thinking three years ago that it was a pretty good thing that the baby would help to decide via hormonal communication that I wasn't privy to on a conscious level.

Bravery to me is one of two main things, most of the time: obliviousness / insufficient (self-)examination, or determined gritting of teeth. The former yields heroic measures, but it also yields a lot of useless shite; the latter rarely looks like bravery to other people. I dunno. Also, well, "bravery" or "courage"? Doing something bravura so that others notice, or having enough resources (enough heart) to get through something that feels bigger/worse/harder than one can handle comfortably?

[serene]

I went to find you a courage wolf macro and this was the first result. I lolled.

[metaphortunate]

*shakes fist at belly* She means you, kid!

[norah]

AHAHAHA PERFECT

[wild_irises]

Thinking of you and (always!) wishing you well.

Also, this.

[cahn]

Have you read "Winterfair Gifts"? It reminds me a lot of the bit where Miles is wondering why Ekaterin is so full of nerves, and Taura says to Miles something like, hey, do you remember how nervous the Dendarii got the first time they were in combat? Yes, he says. Well, says Taura, do you remember what they were like the second time around?

I've also used this analogy when talking to my husband, who is even more petrified of having a second kid, because his memory of that first year is much better than mine.

[laurashapiro]

To me, bravery is being scared of something and doing it anyway. Which, I hasten to point out, makes you brave by default: you're scared of labor and you're gonna do it anyway. Okay, you may not have a choice NOW, but you had the choice whether or not to have another kid and you made what is to me the most terrifying choice imaginable: you said yes to that.

Fear is unpleasant, and personally I have a very low tolerance for unpleasantness, so when I'm afraid of something I normally do it as soon as possible (unless it's breaking up with someone -- I have dragged that shit out way longer than necessary). And it probably feels like you don't have any control over how long you'll feel afraid, like all you can do is wait. But since you're past your due date, at a certain point the medical people are going to start asking you about inducing labor. So if you want to take the wolf by the ears, you could choose to do that, and then you will know almost exactly when you can stop being afraid. (IANAD and I am not advocating this, just saying it's an option.)

IMO, people who struggle with depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses are colossally brave. They have to be to even get out of bed in the morning. And mothers are colossally brave, too, taking huge risks with their bodies and their emotions and their lives. This is not small stuff. I consider myself a very brave person (my name means "courage"), but I will never be as brave as you.

[metaphortunate]

Ahaha. The thing is, I got induced last time. Induction fucking sucks. Imagine what they'd have to do to get your body to go into labor, right now, because my body wasn't any more interested in it than your non-pregnant one is. It takes a long time, and a lot of drugs, and a mechanical balloon thing that I'm not even going to go into right now. Induction is one of the things I would most like to avoid!

[laurashapiro]

Yeah, I've heard it's a rotten experience. I hope then that Hypo decides to come out on their own.

[lovepeaceohana]

I think it takes bravery to parent, because you're taking one hell of a risk with your time and energy and affection and it's not even within your control as to how that will pay out. It's a big YES with so many ridiculous pitfalls along the way, and you've done it not once, but TWICE. That's hella brave, yo.

Sending you wishes for a speedy, easy delivery and a happy, healthy baby :3

[norah]

Maybe that's narcissism; I like to think of it as minding my own business. Ahahaha <3

(Not that CBT. The other one. You perverts.)
MORE LOVE

I don't know about being brave. I think I am probably not. I think you probably are, more than you give yourself credit for. I love you and I hope labor goes fantastically well and that everyone comes out the other end healthy and stable.

[quartzpebble]

Here, have more Courage Wolf.

I think that bravery is more about actions than it is about feelings like fears. I see it as more about being scared (or not) and doing things that have a good chance of having negative consequences for you but you think are worth it anyway. I think that under my definition might be a layer about acting in a way that aligns with your values? Right now I'm maybe starting a new career and fighting some discriminatory stuff from my previous place, and people have been telling me how brave that I am to do both of these things. I'm scared, for sure, but to me, it feels like almost like the only thing I can do or the only thing that makes sense for me to do (not normal logic-sense, logic says what are you thinking go get a job that pays, but some deeper gut-sense).

[veejane]

My friends who are newish parents often remark about that, about how they feel more conservative than they used to be, or more risk-averse, or more helpless in the face of small creatures who will fling themselves off of play apparatuses. I think it's exacerbated by the all-consumingness of young children, too: their needs are pitiless and endless and heavy and at that bracingly high pitch.

That's not the only form of courage, though. Persistence is a different kind, less bold or flashy but not less important. Making rules and sticking to them in the face of expert whining is pretty brave, I think. Allowing those rules to grow and change as the children grow and change, rather than become stony, unreasonable Dicta From Above, that's a form of bravery. It's not exactly skydiving, but then skydiving is only a few seconds' worth of bravery, and then you're out the airplane door. Child-rearing is the slow kind of bravery, like building a coalition. It's easy not to notice it, but its absence sooner or later becomes obvious.

[kate_nepveu]

Thank you for the status update. I was just wondering this morning. Best wishes!

Tonight I was brave: I walked into the basement, opened the door to the laundry room, and then jumped about six feet back because a bug moved on the frame.

I took a couple of breaths to HATE THAT KIND OF BUG and then went and got way too many tissues to shield my hand and killed it.

There have been times in the rather-recent past when I would pretend that I hadn't seen it. So, for me, I count that as brave: I did something I was scared of, something I would rather not have done.

Tl;dr: brave != fearless.

[cofax7]

> brave != fearless.

Exactly. Brave is, OMG I'm scared and then doing it anyway. Fearless isn't a virtue unless you're fearless because you know you're physically or mentally more than capable of meeting the challenge--and that's still different than bravery.

Hang tight, you. And thanks for the update.

[alanj]

Dude. You're having kids. And not because you're a muddle-headed idiot who has no idea what she's getting into, like most parents, but because you stared that shit in the face and decided you were up for tackling that level of radical life-transformation. Even if I had either the opportunity or the inclination, I seriously doubt I could ever be that brave.

(And that's even without the sheer physical terror of the "pushing something gigantic out of a bodily orifice" part...)

[kalmn]

When I was in second grade, I was in our schools talent show. I played the nose whistle. I did not speak even when spoken to, but I didn't throw up, I didn't pass out, and I played my song.

Other people have already given the definition of brave that I use.

[malka]

My bravery definition is affected by a definition I once heard for gluttony. Gluttony, by this definition, was being mentally consumed by food. Whether a person ate or not, that person revolved around food. Part of my definition of bravery is not revolving around fear. A brave person still feels fear, but can move past it without being stuck on it. Even if the moving-past requires an evening of shaking, that still counts.

I have more admiring opinions that something is brave when it's an entire situation rather than a quick action, even if that quick action is to do something dangerous and scary.