metaphortunate | recs, boobs, work

thefourthvine did a recs set of Stories That Will Make You Uncomfortable And You Will Love It. And I must second the recommendation for "The Death of Narcissa Black: A Potion." Because it is amazing and terrible. And, you know, not that it resonates or anything. hahaha*sob*

The other thing I've been reading is Fearless Formula Feeder. Cause it turns out when I'm back at work I can't pump enough to feed the kid exclusively on milk. And yes, it cost me a few tears. I honestly do not think that formula is a bad thing. But I suspect there's an instinct to feed your kid and to freak out if you feel like you can't. At least until it sinks into your brain that the kid is still getting fed.

You know, though. One of the things that blogger says is a reason not to breastfeed, is that it makes the mom have to be the primary caretaker, and that it doesn't allow the other parent to bond with the baby as well. I call bullshit. You know what makes the mom be the primary caretaker? The fact that the mom is so frequently the only one who gets leave. When we brought the Junebug home from the hospital, and Mr. E and I were both on leave, I barely changed a diaper until he went back to work. I handled input, he handled output. When I was having trouble nursing: if I was nursing and crying, he was sitting next to me on the couch, holding my hand, getting me drinks, taking the baby out of the room so I could get a break and sleep for an hour. He's always been better at swaddling the Junebug and he's probably better at getting him to go to sleep. I would not be nursing today if it hadn't been for Mr. E, he was the key to making that work. My going back to work has been 1000x easier because Mr. E was actually able to split his leave and so I have left the baby home with his dad for a few weeks, which means I know he's okay as I adjust to being back at work. And so few dads have the option of being there for their families like that.

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I knew Mr E was awesome, but dang if that didn't make me tear up a little.

He is the best. <3

In Canada, new parents are allowed to divide up their 50 weeks of leave as they see fit among each of the two parents (of whatever gender). I've always thought that was kind of cool, but since you're not allowed to both take leave at the same time, that wouldn't really solve your problem.

-J

You're not allowed to both take leave at the same time?? o.O Wow. That is seriously fucked up. Have any of those lawmakers ever had a newborn?

Yeah, actually I forgot this, but apparently as a very tiny baby I had terrible croup (sp?) and rarely slept through the night, and my mother was all, THIS IS YOUR HALF. So my dad would get up and walk around and around their tiny New York brownstone apartment with me, very softly singing "Moon River" in this deep rumbling voice, and I'd go to sleep. Then he would very gently try to disengage me from his shoulder and I'd wake up and start yelling again. There are pictures.

I am so glad you have the story of how they took care of you like that.

Well...I don't know for sure that that's true, come to think of it. But I sure don't know anyone who did it that way. Most people I know seem to want to make the leave last as long as they can, but maybe it is possible to both take leave and have half the time. Any other Canadians want to speak up?

-J

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that me nursing did not, in fact, reduce C's ability to bond with the kids. I think him being able to spend most of their lives so far working from home increased his ability to bond with the kids, instead. *cough*

Yeah. I mean, in the first months - well, I was lucky; BB took off two months, and I was at home with the earthling. But the first two months happened to be our time of Breastfeeding Horror. I fed (and did boob maintenance, and pumped, and and and). And that took all my time, so BB did everything else. She changed basically all the diapers. (And then she went back to work and things fell out so that she didn't change a poopy diaper for a while. When she did again, the earthling had acquired the ability to wiggle. She was unprepared. I laughed and laughed.) She held the earthling most of the time. She did a lot of the soothing.

In our breastfeeding clinic, there were a lot of women whose partners went back to work in a week. Or in a few days. That is what interferes with bonding. (Also with breastfeeding. Also with sanity.)

Or they have paternal leave policies on the books, but nobody actually *takes* them -- because what would people say? That was our situation. Both our kids were born in late summer when the U. was on break anyway, but school started up a couple weeks later and my husband went right back to work. For the first kid, he had his tenure decision coming up in a year, so he certainly wasn't going to risk that. And for the second kid, we figured we survived the first that way, so why bother?

I am a big fan of breast + formula. Our son kept nursing twice a day until he was two years old, even though we supplemented with formula almost from the day he was born.

it is my i have never breastfed and never plan to opinion that your first job is to not starve the kid to death and however you achieve that, go you.

the juggler won't have any leave when godot gets home (other than his regular vacation) and can't use fmla because he will have no legal standing to godot. we hope to change that, but due to bureaucratic DOOOOOOM can't do anything until some not-currently-specified amount of time after godot gets home.

parental leave policies in the us are stupid. (do not get me started on how most people who don't work in hr or aren't adoptive parents think you get paid adoption leave. do NOT get me started.)

My cousin and her husband both took time off - the husband took 37 weeks + 2 weeks of vacation that accumulated while he was off, and my cousin is going to be off for I think just over a year total. It's pretty sweet. Paid, too!

But I suspect there's an instinct to feed your kid and to freak out if you feel like you can't. At least until it sinks into your brain that the kid is still getting fed.

Ayup. At least, I know I freaked out pretty hard (I burst into tears once when a nearly thirty-minute pump session left me with two sore nipples and just over an ounce of milk - which I then proceeded to knock over while putting away the pump - yeah), and as much as I support breastfeeding and want to make sure that real options are available for women to choose breastfeeding ... some of the rhetoric thrown around gets pretty ugly when it comes to formula feeding. But you've got the gist of it: the kid is still getting fed. You are doing your job. It's okay, and it will be all right.

Yeah. My husband could have 12 weeks...unpaid. Except, of course, we could not afford that at ALL. He took a week of vacation and a week unpaid. It...I was lucky to have my mother in town, let's just say, but as hard as it was for me it was harder for him to be away. The competing imperatives of "stay with new family and bond" and "must make money to FEED new family" were dreadful.

Wow. Unpaid leave is, for all practical purposes, no leave. That sucks, for all concerned.

Niiiiice.

I am happy for all of you guys!

I'm so sorry. :(

Yeah. The official barriers are not the only barriers.

Jesus, you're a rockstar. I pump for 10-12 minutes at a time. More than that and I will end up jamming a pizza in a blender and pouring it in his tiny mouth rather than, as someone else said, sticking my nipples in a fax machine, for any longer.

Wasting pumped milk leads to fury and tears for me.

In CA you get 55% of your salary from the state for 6 weeks for adopting or fostering as well as biologically having a child. It's not perfect, but I love my state.

It's weird: I told my Texan friend this and she was all, "pffft, no wonder your state is going bankrupt." I do not get this instinct to fight for the right to get fucked over by corporations as much as possible, I truly do not.

Honestly, I felt lucky. Neither of my brothers could take even a full week when their kids were born. :(

Luckily, this time around we're in a more prepared financial position, and we think we might be able to afford a month. Fingers crossed!

recs, boobs, work

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