every day in every way...

[metaphortunate]

I was saying elsewhere, in context, that I have a job and a toddler and I just do not have time right now for personal growth and learning. I've been thinking more about that. It's a lie. Let me do myself - and Mr. E - justice. Right now we are both having personal growth out the ass.

See, we had a really good decade-long relationship based largely on extremely good boundaries about our personal decisions and understanding what wasn't any of each other's goddamn business. That sounds harsh, but it really isn't; it's based on respect and mutual trust. You might be surprised how many decisions just don't have to be joint ones, even when you live with someone, if you don't want them to be. And when we did make joint decisions, we had developed this skill of being able to tell pretty well who the decision was more important to, and having that person make the decision. I mean, as a system it sounds really vulnerable to abuse and I guess it is, but if you're both doing it in good faith, it works great. It did.

And now we have the Junebug, and every single goddamn decision about him is a joint decision. Every single decision is both our business, and we both care. We both care so much. So we're having to develop entirely new ways to talk to each other and make decisions and manage conflict and I'm so tired. I mean, and I'm so lucky. I know that. I'm so happy I have a partner who cares that much. I'm so happy I have another parent for the Junebug instead of a guy who "helps". But my Christ, are we having personal growth.

There's no personal growth from fun that I know of. You never hear people say "You know that relaxing vacation where nothing went wrong, I wouldn't give up that experience if I could, it made me who I am today." No fucking growth in your comfort zone, you have to have it in your Uncomfortable As Shit Zone. Which is where I live now. To be fair, I must admit that the company is great here. But the theme activities suck.

Comments

[resonant]

My authority for this is having raised one very easy kid to the age of fourteen, so take or leave as it rings true to you:

My feeling about consistency is that it only needs to exist in very limited contexts.

It doesn't mean that both parents always have to have rules that are consistent with each other -- a kid, even a very small kid, is quite able to understand "When Mom's cooking, it's OK for me to play on the kitchen floor, but when Dad's cooking he says I'm a tripping hazard," in the same way she can understand, "It's OK to go naked in the living room but not at the mall."

Where you do need consistency is:

"When Dad says I can't play on the kitchen floor while he's cooking, I can't whine and wear him down until he changes his mind" *

and

"When Dad says I can't play on the kitchen floor while he's cooking, I can't run to Mom and get her to give me a different answer while Dad's got sovereignty over the kitchen."

* As the kidlet got older, I began to express exceptions to this rule thusly: "I can be negotiated with, but I can't be wheedled or worn down." Another example of where making a consistent decision isn't as important as having all parties concerned understand that the parent is consistently the person who makes the decision.