calling M. Foucault, M. Foucault come in please

[metaphortunate]

Mr. E had a visit with a friend of his this week. Said friend has kids older than the Junebug, and as they were talking shop, as parents will do, the friend asked if we had any thoughts on discipline. Because at this point, apparently it is hard to take the kids over to anyone's houses because they do not hear the word "no" and that turns out to not be very much fun.

This is not a situation I want to find myself in four years from now. But I don't really know what to do about it. This is one reason I've loved the baby stage: you don't have to discipline a baby. Babies do what they gotta do. Older kids, I know you have to actually train and stuff - but I have no idea how.

Parents of kids older than babies - what have you done about discipline? Has it worked? Did you try different things? What did you start with, and when did you start, and how has your approach changed as the kids have gotten older?

I'm turning on anonymous comments on this one.

Comments

[princessofgeeks]

my two are both extremely stubborn, busy and hardheaded, but thank goodness they weren't randomly destructive or mean. And they weren't biters, thank goodness. So that made some things a bit easier.

In the toddler stage, we childproofed EVERYTHING so that we weren't having to redirect them away from things all the time. There were no off limits places in the house except certain parts of the kitchen. And we dialed back the rules to the basics -- no hitting, sit in the car seat, hold my hand when you cross the street, etc. The very basic safety rules. Because the key is, you can't back down once you set a limit. Ever.

Another key is to remain unmoved by tantrums. I once left a full grocery cart in the grocery store when I had to take the kid out for throwing himself on the floor and screaming for ice cream. You just can't give in. We had peanut butter sandwiches for dinner and I shopped the next day.

We used time outs for hitting or refusing to take turns. Physically removing the kids from the site of the bad behavior was usually our first line of defense.

Good luck! There are a lot of great books out there. "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids will Talk" saved my life. It's so wise. It recommends consequences not punishment, a subtle yet crucial distinction.

[norah]

This and the one TFV mentioned are GREAT complements to one another that are full of good advice. I also love what Snippy said, above, about praise and encouraging the good in them. Basically, you're less disciplining them than you are communicating your value system and teaching them good coping strategies. So at 5/6, when R had trouble, we would have him go to his room "until he calmed down." We would ask him if he needed a hug, and reassure him that we always have hugs for him. I would make him think of ways he could handle a situation better and tell me or write them down. We talked a lot about how to keep yourself calm. It didn't always work - you know our ups and downs - but we stuck it out, to the extent that when he was not permitted playtime, we actually got babysitters and went out without him sometimes, and yes, I have had social and other situations where I turned around and left someplace I had just gotten to, or cancelled something at the last minute, because of his poor behavior. It's SO UNPLEASANT, but we are having to do it less now, so...yay? I think one of the most important things is to be clear with kiddo that you are disciplining because the BEHAVIOR is unacceptable, not because the kid is bad - we drew that line early and reinforce often.