why would you even

[metaphortunate]

Before I had kids, I had heard the idea - from certain homeschoolers and stay-at-home parents - that why would you even HAVE kids for someone else to raise (i.e., send to daycare and/or school.)

Now that I have kids, I know the answer! And the answer is, have you MET kids?

Comments

[lilysea]

Yes, childcare and school

- helps prevent parent burnout and associated physical and mental health issues in parents

- means parents can earn an income

- gives kids more opportunities to socialise with other kids

- potentially exposes kids to more diverse adults (culturally diverse, religiously diverse, racially diverse, sexually diverse) than if they stayed at home. Especially important for kids who need to know that they are not alone in being who they are.

- exposes kids to different ways different adults think, and different ways different adults do things, which gives them a bigger "toolbox" to solve problems with than if all their braintools / behaviour tools came from 1 or 2 adults.

[metaphortunate]

Yes, I think they are very good! I mean, there are downsides. We all have school horror stories, I can't deny it. But on the whole it's the way I plan to go, for very good reasons.

[princessofgeeks]

ahahahaha.

*falls over*

[moominmolly]

Yes, this is definitely an effort that I RELISH sharing.

[metaphortunate]

Indeed!

[tam_nonlinear]

I'd ask if these people have no grasp of human history whatsoever, but I already know these people have no grasp of human history whatsoever. Actually, I'll add in that wanting to be the sole influence on your kid is kinda creepy and arrogant. Children are a terrifying experiment in trying to raise someone to a state where they'll be able to go out into the world and do better than you did, which requires that they know more than you do and aren't just replicating your faults. I can't understand wanting kids and wanting less than that as a minimum measure of not having fucked it up. Although maybe this is just another measure of why it's good I only have cats.

[metaphortunate]

Well, I don't myself know any homeschoolers who are doing it in order to be the sole influence on their kids, though I understand there's a strong element of that in the evangelical homeschooling community. I just know people who think the downsides of schools - and they have them, of course - are greater than the upsides. And who feel hashtag blessed to have their kids 24/7. I respect that and do feel it is a terrible failing that I personally would feel hashtag drinkmyselftodeath, but we all are who we are and we are making it work; so I don't want to be snarky about homeschooling, just about the attitude that is so awful about how I am making it work.

[mamagotcha]

Is somebody giving you shit about NOT homeschooling?! That's a new one!

I apologize if I have ever made any statement that sounded like that! Every family situation is different, and there is no OSFA option. There have been PLENTY of days I've wished there was, though!

[laurashapiro]

I am sad to see that you think it's a terrible failing that the idea of being with your kids 24/7 is horrifying to you. I think most honest parents would say the same. I don't want to be with my partner 24/7 and I love him more than anybody. I get that the parent-child bond is different, but it's in no way a failing to have needs beyond being with your kids!

[metaphortunate]

This is exactly the kind of thing that has made me love social media forever: I wrote that in all sincerity, and then I read it over and thought " Wait, that's fucking stupid." And now I am thinking and thinking. Thanks for the confirmation!

[laurashapiro]

Glad I could help with that!

[thistleingrey]

Yes, this (and I have a child, and I'm even her primary caretaker by solo-adult hours spent every single week...). It is okay to have any of the configurations of time spent except abandonment.

(I don't consider giving up a child for adoption/fosterage abandonment--I mean leaving a child with zero plan for their next steps.)

[nonethefewer]

+1

[snippy]

I am so conflicted on this topic. I loved school, but partly or even mostly because my home life was SO GHASTLY. Hunger, abuse, neglect, frequent moves, being told to tell lies about it because we'd be taken away if anyone found out-school was terrific, school was where I was happy. It was an escape and a place to hope. So I support public schools as a place for kids who might not have any other place.

I would not have been a good stay-at-home mother, largely because I am an introvert and interacting with ANYBODY all day long the way children need it would have driven me mad. And I always framed my kids' daycare and school as letting them have a bigger support system, examples of different ways to be an adult, etc.

On the other hand, having worked as a legal secretary for a firm that represents teachers' unions and the teachers who are members...well, I can't say much because ethics around client confidentiality, but if I knew then what I know now I would never have sent my kids to public schools. As it was each of them changed school at least once because of bullying or depression caused by something at school, and one of them was bullied by zir 2nd grade teacher so badly that zir learning disability wasn't discovered until the end of 3rd grade. (That 2nd grade teacher bullied all the boys that year, all of whom ended up with similar problems, and zie retired a year later.) I really would have gone on welfare, if necessary, to stay home with my kids rather than expose them to what they went through.

[serene]

Yep yep yep a thousand times yep. (My kids never had babysitters/daycare, but not because we wouldn't have loved it. We just didn't have the money, and we had a lot of adults in the family, so we took turns.)

[ironed_orchid]

As someone who doesn't plan on ever having kids but doesn't mind doing babysitting and use to be a live in nanny, I tend to get asked "Why would your willing spend time with kids if you don't want any?"

To which the answer is of course "I like the bit where I get to give them back to parents."

[metaphortunate]

That is such a bizarre thing to ask. I mean, I get why people ask it, we're so conditioned, but it's just like "Uh, why would you drink wine if you don't plan to quit your job and go try to start a vineyard???"

[ironed_orchid]

Ha! Yes.