metaphortunate: (Default)
Look, kid. I don't like you and you don't like me. But we're stuck with each other for at least the next eight years*. So let's try to compromise and work together to get through this as easily as possible.

…no, no, no. Of course I don't say that to the Junebug, for a million reasons, and the fact that it wouldn't work even a little bit is of course the least of those reasons. What is real, though, is that the bit where I was his favorite parent has ended. Remember back when I was like nine months pregnant and it was tears if daddy insisted on carrying him up the stairs instead of mama? Yeah those days are long gone. These days, if I come to the door of his room - not actually IN his room - to ask what he wants for breakfast, he sobs so hard he goes fetal. "Don't come, Mama!"

I have extremely mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, of course……ouch. On the other hand…you mean I have to spend more time with the Flumpy Baby of Squishy Adorableness, and Mr. E has to do more coping with the Twoddler** of Whyyyy and Don't Wipe Me and But NO!? Uh…oh no, Br'er Fox, that sounds terrible. ¬__¬

The chill out project has been, uh, tested this week. Man, I know that an extremely privileged life doesn't mean that shit never happens, it means that you have the resources to cope with what life throws at you. I was trying to remind myself of that when I was standing outside of a closing daycare with two kids, staring at the big empty backseat of the car where I forgot to put the carseat back, with the Junebug unceasingly asking me "Why you forget the carseat, Mama? Why?" We did get home, though, and the car didn't even get towed or anything. And I have been doing a lot of thinking about this poem:
Read more... )
I know about the tigers, I know about the cliff, I know about the mice. But I am trying to notice the moments when they are all in the future, and what I have, right now, just in the present, is a momentary strawberry. A moment when I'm driving alone and I see the eucalyptus trees in the fog. A moment when I'm playing with Rocket and he's beaming. A moment when the kids are both asleep and Mr. E is hugging me. These good moments.


----------------------
*I think ten is the earliest you can go to boarding school

**Perfect word invented by [livejournal.com profile] veek

saying yes

Nov. 19th, 2012 10:27 pm
metaphortunate: (gryffindor pride)
[personal profile] lightreads writes:
I was there because I want to live a big life, I want to do the hard thing, I want to be the one who said yes.

Which, now that I have seen someone say it, is the best way to describe the painful and struggling answer I am always making to this poem by Constantine Cavafy:
For some people the day comes
when they have to declare the great Yes
or the great No. It’s clear at once who has the Yes
ready within him; and saying it,

he goes from honor to honor, strong in his conviction.
He who refuses does not repent. Asked again,
he’d still say no. Yet that no—the right no—
drags him down all his life.

I do not think I have ever had the great Yes ready within me. I suspect that I have always been one of life's great natural Noes. But one who has said Yes anyway, because fuck, who is my own character to tell me what my life is going to be like? I'm not the boss of me! I don't care if it is the right No. I too have stepped up to things because I want to be the one who said Yes.

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